A few months ago, in a moment of deep despair, entangled in the “veins of life” I asked myself: “How hard can it really get?”. My personal life had become a mess. Sami had brought a wild uncontrollable uproar to our daily lives; our own stupidity had left us crushed under the ruins of our devastated plans; the future of going back to Bulgaria seemed (and it still does) gloomy, scary and paradoxical and the fire escape was nowhere to be found. But I was not dead yet. The catastrophe hadn’t killed me. I still felt the soft feeling of comfort in my gut and for some reason it was softer than ever. I let that feeling linger in my mind for a moment till I could touch it, smell it and play with it. And then it dawned on me...
I had never understood the true meaning of “What doesn’t kill me – only makes me stronger!”, but I did that night.
It was one of those Sunday nights, just before the new week starts. Alex had gone to bed and I was finishing the bottle of wine by myself. The despair – slowly sinking in with every sip. And then – catharsis.
I have been the happiest in the hardest of times in my life!
That was when I really, truly lived, experienced life with all its beauty and complexity. That’s when I struggled the most and kept my mind open and clear. I fought! I lived! I got stronger! The hardest times were the purest moments in my life.
When Alex and I were apart, I felt like the world had ended. I wanted nothing to do with that stranger, called “life”. I wanted OUT! But the thing that made me live, beyond all the pain was the pure, unconditional, all-encompassing, ocean of love that I felt. Without this, I would never have known what true LOVE meant! And now I savor it with every breath!
When we moved to the US and the money we came with was all gone, we had lost our jobs – both in the same day – and fear had settled in our hearts, I KNEW that somehow everything was going to work out just fine. And it did. We never even got to the point of eating potato chips with ketchup for breakfast, lunch and dinner. We held hands tight and jumped right in the fire of life together. And we made it – stronger than ever.
That Sunday night I realized, just as clearly as I do now that we are going to make it pass this new mine field just fine. Because now is the time we’re actually LIVING! We have taken the roll of film out of fate’s hands and grabbed it in our own. We no longer sit and wait for life to happen. No angels, nor Christ, nor your god will help us, but the LOVE in our hearts.
Aaaah.......the good times…they make the hard times so much better!
2 comments:
If you live and act with the premise that hardships are already behind you, sooner or later they will actually be there.
Peshka, I'm glad to see you here. It's amazing you should say that. I've told Alex a million times: I solve my problems, by imagining myself at, say,the coming New Year's eve, when I've long forgotten about them. Then I ask myself the question how have I solved them.
Post a Comment