A Damaged Mind

Do we even realize how utterly conditioned we are by society, parents and upbringing, to never actually be able to relax?
Every time I spend a day with no running errands (which I officially hate), without going to work, walking, hiking, shopping, cooking, cleaning…I just feel terrible!!! Why can’t I just relax, enjoy, meditate and absorb my life? What kind of a mess and vicious circle did humanity get itself into? Why am I so miserable and depressed to spend the entire day at home?
I am lost. I really don’t know where the key hides, to the true relaxation. My modernized iPod, iRobot mind, can’t grasp the meaning of relaxation and living for the sake of pure mental-spiritual experience.
As anyone can probably guess from such a prelude, I spent the entire day off without going out of the house. I was just watching the hours go by and had no inspiration as for what to do. I tried so hard to grasp the moments with my son and wife – together as a family – but I couldn’t fight the depression of the lack of activities and fulfilled “goals”. I don’t understand myself. I don’t get how my mind works and how it is programmed so as it’s almost impossible for me to rest and appreciate.
Two moments:
One – Alex couldn’t take it anymore. I was so fucking irritable and irritating, that she just went out till I could find composure.
So I stood there – Sami in my hands, arms, feet and all over the place – for a moment, trying to collect my thoughts. Music! I decided. Let’s listen to some music. Me and my son – alone together. Let’s show him once more what my “other” world is all about. So we played a music DVD of one of my favorite bands – Mastodon – and he just got glued to the screen! I felt so great! There we were – father and a son – watching and moving with the music together. I even picked him up and danced with him in the rhythm. (I feel that it’s really important that I teach him rhythm from a young age, because I feel that the sensation of the motions of music can really enrich our life.) There we were – dancing, hugging, smiling. He was really amused! I was thrilled by the connection I felt with him.
Two – after the daily baby bath and bed, Alex came back with three bottles of wine. It’s been so long, since we’ve just sat down to talk to each other without the constant distraction of a little boy or a movie. May be it’s because I said to myself that I am turning into an alcoholic, and decided not to drink for a month, that it was just so sweet to get drunk on tequila and wine. Breaking the rules is one of the sweetest sins, isn’t it?
So much to talk about! After 11 years together, constant conversation, constant presence and complete knowledge for one another we spoke endlessly for hours. Feelings, thoughts, fears, …till “Jon & Kate plus 8” started. Then I had to step back. I understand. But I can’t believe how much I still love my wife after all these years.
Now that she’s asleep, here I am, writing again. My new alter ego coming through. Still active. There’s no salvation from the plague of modern society – always on the run, forgetting to read between the lines.