Now they are inseparable! I can see LOVE growing inside my son's beautiful little heart! He finds so much comfort and tenderness in his friend...may be just as much as he used to show for Buddah...You should hear the joyful call, as Sami climbs up the stairs towards his bed "Memi, Memi, Memiiii" (Comes from "meche" - little bear in Bulgarian). He made up the name and ever since, they spend every night together!
That pure joyful love and tenderness melts me and with it, my own ever-growing love for him overpowers me! He gave me TWO kisses for good-night tonight!
I keep finding more and more levels of mad love in myself! Feelings I didn't know existed!
I bet I can find at least 12 people, who'll believe me that I'm a son of God!
I bet they're gonna have at least 24 kids, who will tell their 48 grand-kids how awesome I was and how convincingly I told my stories! And then, their 100 great-grandchildren will tell their 200 kids of all the miracles I've performed! What an awesome fucking magician I was! And then I'll become a true prophet, and next thing - a TRUE son of God!
I bet, in a couple of hundred years people are going to start writing books about me and come up with the awesomest miracles that I performed!
I bet all those stories will be re-written and embellished!
I bet they'll be translated and interpreted in many ways!
I bet they'll get sanctioned, organized and censured by the ones in power of MY new religion!
I bet in a couple more hundred years they'll be so convinced in my truth that they'll go to war for it! They'll start centuries of wars, bloodshed and torture! They'll use MY religion as a tool to control and rob and kill people!
I bet, in 2000 years there will be thousands of people like me, who tell the world they are the Son of God, incarnated!
I bet they'll be held in pretty confined clothes between pretty white walls and fed pretty little pills!
Thank God I was born in the right place and the right time! People believe everything these days!
Counting down the days...with loss comes realization. I'm afraid that just as much as we hated this place...we're gonna miss it! God, help us on our new endeavors!
When comfort gets shifted, fear sets in - remember - the worst advisor, the guard of the homeostasis, the advocate of the status quo, the opposite of Love, the barricade for growth...and he is mighty!
And what does the future have in store for us? It's probably going to be hard...but at least it will be unknown...for otherwise - what are we really doing? Going in circles, waiting to die?
Peeling layers of our life, stripping flesh from bones until we feel again! Until our hearts are exposed and vulnerable, sensitive even to the slightest whiff of the wind! At some spots there's a crust of dead and calloused skin, but others are already paper-thin and painful to the touch.
That’s what our life became since we made the firm decision to leave the comfort of our first true HOME, the security of old habits and the drive for homeostasis. Awoken by our own dreams, we felt that once more it was time to leave the nest and fly away. Back across the ocean, this time on an island. The land of the old knights and lords…
“The end is the beginning, is the end”
And so, slowly and steadily we shed skin, after skin, after skin…discarding furniture, comfort, habits, and more. Some feel like having gotten rid of a bag of rocks, that’s been dragging us by the throats to the bottom. Piles of useless items and people - unnecessary fillers to a meaningless monotony. But others hurt like pulling band aid and tearing hair, skin and flesh from yourself.
A part of all three of our hearts will stay behind forever, now that Buddah moved on to better ventures…our four member family has shrunk and the emptiness is much stronger than I had imagined. As we gave her hugs and kisses goodbye today, and waved at her, while Sami casually and joyfully yelled his “Tao-tao” (byy-bye), I couldn’t stop the lump from climbing to the top of my throat, choking me with tears. And as my good friend pulled away with his car, to venture out on a new journey, involving Buddah, him, California, skateboarding, beach, and the humidity of the Pacific, I wished I could have made better plans, I wished life could have been more fair to us and I wished that this would be the last time we’d have to lose a family member!
The stupid feeling of going home to the complete silence, where no one snores, farts and awaits lazily to be taken out for a one-minute walk engulfed me with pain and confusion. My feelings fight my logic, which tries to rationalize everything and explain to my confused brain how it’s going to be so much better for her, not to get tortured by a little rascal, who tries to poke her eyes out and walk over her, but also who shares his water from his own bottle and lets her bite a piece off his own apple. Because we knew, he loves her too. And…I hope not…but in this tiny little heart, something might be missing for a while. It’ll all go away, for Sami, but for us it will be there until the scar covers it. And I just hope that she’ll find tons of fun and comfort to fill her emptiness, or better yet, I hope she never loved us…but I doubt it.
Farewell, my girl! Keep bringing joy to those around you. Keep being more human than most people and forget us! May be we never deserved you in the first place.
Like a tramp, hitching a free ride on the last carriage on the last train, I summoned all powers, energy and ideas, to assure that while alkA goes to school, I won’t just end up being the supporting personnel, laboring at another restaurant, while she gets smarter.
I sat down and studied diligently like rarely before for my English exam and I absolutely aced it! I employed friends and long forgotten teachers for recommendations and advice…until, not long after that the wake up call spread warmth through my body and mind: “sorry to wake you up…you too have been accepted”.
Sleep>stress>denial>realization!
The realization, that this was the end of an era of our lives! The end of Vegas! The beginning of a new life. The approaching of the “some day” from our many conversations!
It was time to move on! And this is only the beginning of a hell of a long story!
Manchester, here we come! And in the meantime, Vegas, get ready, as we still have a lot of unfinished business with you! Now we’d paint the town red!
