It took me a month to jump in the matrix. The dumbed empty faces, the scared quiet talks, the well weighed words of the people, looking at you in the eyes, sending you non-verbal messages of hatred, discrimination and contempt, but at the same time complimenting you, smiling at you, welcoming you to their country, afraid you might sue them if they told you what they really meant. You could not hate the president, and hope that someone will…take him off his throne, even though W was the biggest idiot I’ve ever had to obey! You could not openly express your opinion about the other cultures, no matter how obvious your observations might be. There were words you couldn’t use in the land of the free. The TV was obviously censured to the bone, the movies were cleared of “disturbing” images, or rated “R” if you saw a woman’s chest, the news was not about the wars, the famine, the ecological disasters, but about the neighbor’s cat, stuck on a tree.
With the new freedoms, came the new jobs. My four jobs in America. All four as a waiter, as a server, as a servant.
Slowly, but deliberately I was stripped off of my opinions, my freedoms, my character. The more I became a faceless machine, the more people liked me. The better tips I got. The more I smiled, when my heart was being squeezed through the juicer of hypocrisy, the more approval I got from my managers. And soon I stopped wearing my earrings, getting crazy haircuts, or expressing my opinion. At work my mind was falling asleep. In the beginning my mouth would tell people off before my mind could censure my bare thoughts and I suffered the consequences. With time I learned to keep my mouth shut, to ignore my impulses and keep my head low – bowing.
For six years already my deep bow has saved me from the head-severance, and become the new shape of my body. I will lick your shoes, wash your feet and drink the water. I am now a changed man. I live in the matrix, wear a happy mask, have a quickly depreciating house in suburbia, a wife, a kid, a dog, an eco-friendly mini-minivan, all the episodes of “Friends”, a big screen TV and I pay my taxes. All of my taxes! (The money ones and the mind ones). I live in constant fear, which is good – keeps me occupied. I don’t know if I’ll break some law, which I don’t know of; I don’t know if I may insult someone by looking at them differently; I’m afraid to touch someone, because here everybody hates to be touched; I’m afraid to end up in a bad neighborhood; afraid of the swine flu, of the heat-waves, of the flash-floods, of the monthly bills…
Ever since I became a proud “homeowner” (of course, I don’t own shit – the bank owns it), I had even more freedoms: not to walk my dog without a leash; not to have more than one dog, and the one I do have may not be taller than 18 inches; not to skateboard, because in my community skateboarding is strictly prohibited, and the fact that my bulldog likes to skateboard makes me sad every time she begs me to let her jump on it; not to have a bamboo fence on the inside of my yard; not to have a beer at the pool; not to have a Bulgarian flag on my house; not have a party – any kind of party!; not to park next to my house; not to have an extra window on the side of my house, so some fucking light can actually get through; not to keep the stinking trash can, full of shitty baby diapers outside of the house; not to be boisterous at the pool; not to have any electrical units by the pool; not to have a mister on my patio; not to have a gas barbeque.
You may want to know some more about my job freedoms - whom and what I obey there…but I shalt bite not the hand that feeds me.
The story ends here. The mouth is sealed, the hand freezes, the heart stops…the body keeps walking.
I now know what my daddy meant!
12 comments:
Ei, batko..I've always wondered how could a person like you (and Alex) survive and want to live in this social prison. As I know you, and I know America. People like you, wonderful in your nature, open-minded, smart and loving the freedom and rules, which you were raised by..and you really did manage to resist the smashing foot over your heads! I thought that you are obviously more sensible and rational than me, estimating and choosing wisely between bad and worse. And of course you're too strong to get used to it, to become reconciled with the absurd regime and the new contradictory-to-your-nature rules. I couldn't accept them either, maybe because I was too young and had just learned and appreciated the power of honesty, goodness and friendship, when they asked me to spit on all those and replace them with hypocrisy and betrayal. It made me feel MYSELF, standing up for my friends and the virtues my parents had thaught me..And, as you know, that was my immediate one-way ticket to Bulgaria. Nevermind the consequences, I knew I did the right thing by not letting them crash my believes. And don't get me wrong - it's not my advice, to show America who you really are and get kicked out, after all you have gone too far by now and it would be very foolish to open your mouth and risk to lose a lot. Keep your mind awaken, play the "Obey the blind and mentally poor" game as much as you consider it necessary and come back to Bulgaria..But please, don't have high expectations. People here are still free, expressive and...miserable. You CAN do anything here, speak your mind, incite to a riot, resist the governings' attempts to deprive you of your individuality and put you in your proper place in the herd. For many Bulgarians it is still unthinkable to resign. And in this big group, batko, unfortunately, there is a great deal of open-minded freaks, who fear no law and obey no rules, criminals who get no punishment for their evilness, because BULGARIA is THE country of endless opportunities. The methods of achieving them are simply others. So, hold on and obey a bit longer, return here, get disapointed and choose another spot in the world to spend your life, as I am sure there still exist some places of harmony and freedom, where you can be yourself without being constantly scared of the consequences.
about USA and not only.. - Endgame-Blueprint for the total enslavement
Angel
don't forget it was ALL YOUR CHOICE! I love you!
I realize the choice was entirely mine and I don't regret it. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger and I embrace all life lessons. Also, the benefits of this place, which came mostly with the better earning, are undisputable. I am quite aware that there is a different kind of bullshit I left behind in Bulgaria. People there are more free to do what they want, but live repressed by their poverty. I got my Christening into the system on American soil, though, so that's what I write about.
I knew this is hidden somewhere inside your mind..or probably was there, constantly overwhelming you through the whole time..what a shithole we live in. Thanks and thanks xslippingx..the other side of the filthy situation we are in.. I.
wikid reading broder
Dr. C
I totally hear you on the constraints thing, but how about moving to another state? There are places with less stringent "neighbourhood watch" and a better climate in the USA? Or, how about getting a degree. I know, it's hard as hell to support a family and study in the same time, not to say impossible, but maybe....As you've said before, life's a bitch, and apparently at some places that bitch goes rabid. Bulgaria is one of those places too, unfortunately....
that's the plan. next year - masters degree.
In Holland you can say publicly "The Dutch queen is a whore" publish an article about with a drawing in a journal and no one wil pursuit you. Does this freedom make dutch people happier and their life easier, does it make them sleep better? I'm not sure... In Bulgaria you're free to to do or say anything - free to park your car on the sidewalk, free to throw your garbage from your balcony, free to listen loud music at 3 a.m., while all the neighbors are trying to sleep, free to criticize the politicians, but not voting for a change... Personal freedom is great as long as it doesn't disturb others around you.
P.S. Some people say that there's no law written anywhere in American history that americans have to pay a Federal Income Tax and there are several documentaries on the net about it. Even though the 16th Amendment has been said to have been ratified, in fact it hasn't.
Don't know where the balance between the freedoms is. It's certainly a big dilemma. But what irritates me is that here you do not have tons and tons of freedoms, so they simply shouldn't call it "land pf the free" if they didn't at least I'd feel better that theyr're not trying to fool me.
As fas as Bulgaria... I just like those freedoms better, so I'll try it once again in a year.
As far as the taxes, weird...I don't know...I don't know...I wish I did..I've paid tens of thousands of dollars to the goverment.
gotta say I loved emo's comment!
I agree with you. Emo's comment was really good...
Post a Comment