That's NOT What I Signed Up For!

Hospital. Looks like a bank. Clean. Quiet. I walk up the stairs and find the room.
There lies my friend, smiling, baby next to her. The proud dad gets up to greet me and take the flowers. The newborn is sleeping. It all looks so…serene. So easy! Up until that day I always thought that once you have a kid, your life is over. This time it didn’t look so bad. What could this baby do to them? I knew that they could take him anywhere, feed him anything, bring him up however they liked.
I went back home and called Alex back in Bulgaria. “I think I want a baby!” Later she’d show me the napkin she saved the tear she cried when I told her that. And so it began…
Espresso bar at Caesar’s Palace. My lovely wife sitting sideways on her chair, allowing me to look at only her pretty silhouette. Facing her, an eight month old beautiful baby. Our son! Hands waving, spoonfuls of spinach flying all over the place. Attitude! (But kids hate spinach! He wants some Bailey’s and coffee too!) My smile slowly fades. It’s the weekend. It’s our morning coffee and we haven’t had a chance to say a word to each other yet. This used to be our time! This used to be a time for romantic planning and even gossiping. Hell, yeah! I can tell you now and here: guys gossip too! And what’s worse, they bitch even more!
We start our walk in the enclosed building of the shopping mall. It’s 114 F° (45 C°) outside, we ain’t gonna walk out there! And yet, malls are so utterly limited, expensive and depressing. Within fifteen minutes I’m done. I want out! Sami falls asleep. This means that now we have to walk around the mall for an hour, so he can get his sleep and not be cranky.
Every little noise drives me crazy and puts me on edge. We hardly speak, because we are on the lookout for people sneezing, coughing and screaming around the baby. It’s almost noon and we hardly even spoke yet. Finally someone manages to speak loud enough right next to us and wakes him up after only a half-hour nap.
“Let’s go for lunch! I have this discount in a nice restaurant. Let’s try it out.”
Hesitantly we end up in another casino. The awful feeling of being close to work on a day off. I almost cringe, but try to forget. They seat us on a corner table. Sami is in great spirits. He yells so loud to tell the world about it, that other people ask to be seated elsewhere. Great! Now we are “that” table. My turn to feed him this time.
Why did I even try the spinach? That pissed him off! I saw the spoonful flying toward my face, his bib covered in spinach, and spit. “SpiTnach!” The waiter asks me for another beer, and I haven’t even had a sip. If he may take my salad away, and I haven’t even TASTED it yet! I said to him that we are in no rush. (I am obviously feeding the baby, you, idiot! Can’t you see I haven’t had a bite yet?) Five minutes later he comes with two plates in hands – our entrees. Looks at us and turns around, hoping we missed him. Comes right back and tells us he asked chef to “fire the entrees”. (I know they are already sitting back on the window) I pass the baby spoon to Alex and storm through my salad. More spinach, mixed with peach puree is now flying at me.
The entrees come. They look and smell great. Sami is finally full, but still loud to a point where we are sitting on the edge of the chair, almost ready to take him out.
(Allow me to diverge again for a moment. I know that I should not care. I’ll never see those people again; they may also have had a baby at some point and know what it’s like; they probably say to themselves “well, I didn’t take my baby out when he was little” but I need to get the F out of the house; the waiter is SO rude that who gives a shit how he feels about that! And yet, I feel like a heavy load is on my chest. I DO care! I still have spoken almost nothing to my wife because the way Sami acts up.)
Three bites into my entrée! Sami even got quiet for a moment, so I could start to relax. I kid you not! Three bites! May be two minutes had passed: “So, did you save any room for dessert? The crème brulee is awesome.” WTF? Who does that? This is a fine dining restaurant in the flippin’ Venetian! I know I may have high standards, but even in Bulgaria, where they expect no tip but your petty change they aren’t so blatant in trying to kick you out! So what if I’m with a baby? He’s not even loud anymore!
Unbelievably bad service! If you go to “Pinot” expect shit! No wonder the discounts are 40%! They should be dead with service like that!
Oops, I’ve diverted again.
Home. Late afternoon. Sami fell asleep in the car and we quietly moved him to his room. We were tired. What’s that moment called when you are just drifting away and the sweet relaxation of your eyelids … aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrghhhhhh! Uaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhh!
“Where am I? What…?”
Alex is already running to bring him over and soothe him. I’m still in the beyond – eyelids, heavier than bricks. He’s not happy to be on the swing either, so I put him in his play yard and fall asleep next to him, while he’s whining unhappily from there.
7:30pm. He’s finally in bed! We sit down to see each other. Stuck at home once more with the bottle of wine, not able to afford a baby sitter more than once a week. “We’ll be alcoholics soon if we keep it up” she says and sips on her martini. “Cheers” I say and try to smile, load still on my chest. I miss her. 9pm she’s already dozing off. I’d do the same if I had to get up at six!
We both know we’re there for each other and we’ll make it! I’m sure of it.
But I miss her! I miss US! Believe me, I love my son to death, but oh, God, how I miss my Alex…
That’s not what I signed up for!
GONE!