Beauty sleep

Naturally, I am a “sweet” guy. However, I do not quite understand what happens between the hours of 6 and 10 a.m. I guess my not-so-natural bitterness kicks in. Unfortunately for those around me, awoken during that time frame, what comes out is my dark side.
I mean, of course, ever since the baby’s here, the mornings have been generally harder but today was different. There was the usual babbling at 5:45, which by 6:20 got transformed into a soaring cry that the neighbors could hear. At that point I just expected Aleks to get up just as she has been doing since the 12th of March and go feed the baby, so I could sleep away in my own paradise under the sheets. (I only do this for her, of course, out of no selfish reason. My “beauty sleep” helps me wake up with a smile and that’s good for her!)

But instead I got the “Will you, please, take care of him this morning?”

OK. Let me put this straight. I’m the “bread-winner” in the family and I have selfishly decided that I get to sleep, because I go to work. Makes sense, right? It’s been so for months. Now that I think about it, it makes me feel ashamed that this morning I blabbered a “We should start teaching him to go back to sleep or just wake up later! I’ll go in a couple of minutes.”

It was a bit too late that I realized what I’d said and tried to cover it up with an angry trot up the stairs and it just didn’t work alright. She came up, barely after Sami had grabbed a hold of his bottle, cuddled him gently and told me to go finish my sleep.

It was ruined!

Those are the times that I start thinking a second after I’ve spoken something stupid.

It was that morning grumpiness that led to her saying: “I’m never asking you to get up anymore”. She hugged Sami in our bed and turned her back on me. It took me a while to come to my senses. They’d already gone downstairs when I shuffled behind, without saying a word.

What is it with this sense of guilt that can make you feel so petty?

My solution was to do what I’m usually helpful with, which once again was not to help with the baby. I cleaned the entire house and cooked lunch. I even tried to take an extra day at work, but ever since the economy caught us off guard, it’s hard to get enough shifts.

Even though my ever amazing wife forgives me all the crap, this one was a bit rough. I mean, what should I really do? My job takes the life out of me lately. How do I get the energy to help out some more with the baby?

Fatherhood seems like the toughest job I’ve ever done. And even though I’m enjoying the benefits, I still seem to be in training.

Oh well, it twenty more years I’ll know exactly what to do.

Written: 5/28/09