До България и назад...сън ли бе това? (втора част)

 - И сармички им наготвих, и мусака, и кебап със зеле...!

 - И аз им готвих, гледах да помагам, ама тя Ана нищо не похваща, само кат' са прибире и фърля обувките, никой ни са занимава с малкия Силвестър, апък Иван работи по цяла нощ, и той не може да си види детето.

 - Алоооу, ари ве, ти си голям олигофрен ве, туй ибахти гаднуту диприсивну литищи, тука вися и ми писна от тез олигофрени, бахти прустацити.

А този, сладур си беше купил чисто нов монитор! Кой, питам аз, кой си купува монитор в днешно време? И понеже си знае, че ако не му го строшат олигофрените по летището в Манчестър, ще му го откраднат от летището в София, си го носеше като ръчен багаж.


В ранното утро, клонящо към по-големите часове слухът ми е особено напрегнат. Или защото съм полу-заспал и всичко ме дразни, или защото съм вълк и трябва да се предпазвам от останалите вълци, тъй като съм чувал, че лупу лупини хомо ест! Предполагам, че която и да е причината, можете да разберете, че се опитвах да дремна, положил нежно главица в Алешкия скут, пред портата към самолетът за страната на сънищата (да се чете двусмислено). И докато разговорът на двете лелки за малкия Силвестърчо ми беше приятен, то олигофренът с монитора и МОБИФОНА като че ме инжектираше с онази киселинка, тъй свидно ухаеща на родна пот! Човекът, явно беше горд не само с монитора си, но и с факта, че си има МОБИФОН и искаше всички да видят и чуят, че той е най-напредничевият от всички тях и вече ги е надбягал, с маратонките си и шушлековият анцуг в надпреварата назад към България!


Но аз едва когато пиша това си давам сметка за мотивите му и започвам да се възхищавам на гения му. Той всъщност се беше подготвил за времевата разлика! Беше явно осъзнал, че макар и България да е с два часа напред от Англия, тя всъщност е с няколко десетилетия назад. Значи момчето се беше приготвило за скок във времето! Ох, боже, колко ли ще е изумен когато види чисто новият терминал на гостоприемното българско летище - Враждебна!


Най-странното от всичко е, че когато минавахме последната проверка преди самолета, той се опита да се пререди пред цялата опашка, беше позорно изгонен най-отзад, при което вдигна скандал и продължи да упорства, пак да се прережда. Да, вярно е, че за самолета към родината няма нито места, нито автобус, нито ръкав, а ни пускат да пердашим направо през летището, па който оцелее (пък и много оцеляваме, мамка му и упорити български копелета сме), НО каква е разликата дали пръв или последен си рискуваш живота?


Най-после бяхме стоварени и преброени, когато вълчаливостта ми се предаде и грохнах на седалката, летейки към страната на сънищата...
...сънувах, че някой ми разказва дивна приказка за това как бил голямата работа, колко бил и той велик, как притежавал бизнес, как висял само по ресторантите и баровете, как се чудел какво да си прави парите. Каквото и да сънувах, все беше съпроводено от този глас, което започна да ме тревожи, защото анализът на подобен сън би означавал, че мечтите ми са доста прозаични, а аз се бях надявал да съм по-възвишен. На кацане се стреснах, съзирайки пред себе си изтормозеното лице на Алекс, която не беше мигнала и чак тогава започнах да осъзнавам, че през целият полет този зад мен не беше млъкнал ни за миг. Аз вече ви разказах това, което бях чул в просъница, но ако питате Алекс, тя може да ви разкаже цялата история на още един велик български гений!


Е, кацнахме! Дори и най-мрачните физиономии на граничарите не можеха да стъжнят дългоочакваният миг, в който щяхме да се видим с най-близките си! Само тъжната усмивка така и никога не може да слезе от лицето ми когато тези хора сравняват снимката в паспорта ми с лицето ми. (може би трябваше да се снимам за паспорт, мислейки си за тях, защото иначе може и да не ме познаят някой ден) Защото по някаква гнусна ирония на съдбата, тези на летищата в САЩ са свикнали като ти гледат документите и видят, че живееш там, да ти кажат "Добре дошъл вкъщи", а тези, които ме посрещат на родна земя, ме гледат като че съм престъпник, на който може и да не му се размине следващият сблъсък с тях, разлистват ми нервно паспорта и с отвращение ми го хвърлят обратно.


Добре поне, че нискотарифните самолети кацат на стария Враждебен терминал, та олигофренът с МОБИФОНА не се е объркал в кое време е попаднал.


Посрещането е най-вълнуващата емоция от целият престой по родните земи! Толкова внимание, загриженост, радост и интерес проявяваме всички един към друг, че тези няколко часа са ми любимите! Срещата със сестра ми, която не бях виждал от години, с баща ми, който беше станал посред нощ, за да тръгне от Варна до София, да ни вземе и да ни закара обратно, както и с яките ни кумуве, ме изпълни с прекрасни топли емоции и ме зареди с толкова енергия и настроение, че пътят от София до Варна рядко е минавал така леко.

вероятно също защото и двата са най-добрите градове за живеене в Българиая

Това е част 2/4. Трета част е тук.

Christmas spirit?

alkA came across this pretty cool blog.
She sent me this link and I thought that the article is worth sharing with you, so here it is.
Please enjoy the read :)

November love!

November...a month of beauty!
Normally in the past I used to get excited about alkA's birthday coming up and now we added on the little addition's birthday on the fifth. But nothing could have been better that traveling for each of them this year!

We started the month with a trip to Bulgaria, where our stay felt like a week of shining love and fun! Family fun! Sami is so much fun lately, that I can't take the smile off my face every minute I spend with him! His party meant a ton of jumping, screaming, eating and laughing!
And then...the weather in Manchester had hardly started to grapple us into depression, when alkA's day came and I could finally give her my secret present: "a trip to France for a week, and start packing, because we leave tomorrow!"

Yeah...nowadays November is pretty much my favorite month!

Whatever u may think. It's never too late to live!

Even in the darkest of days, there can be forces to awaken your life. Sometimes you
Just have to look and try really hard. But they are there! And noone can take them from you!

ох...такива идеи за тоз български пътепис ми идват, че ми идва да зарежа всички мета-анализи и да ви разказвам, преди пак да ми гръмне главата...ама, тук не е софийския, брат'че, не става със оставяне за сесията работата...така че, ще почакате, пък аз ще го напиша някой ден...честна скаутска!

даааа....

До България и назад...на път към летището

Ако си спомням правилно, един късокрак пингвин и една крава стояха с нас на спирката, но вече бях много скапан и не виждах добре. Валеше дъжд, беше ми студено и никак не ми беше до висене по спирките в три сутринта. На всичкото отгоре бях писал курсова работа между полунощ и момента, в който се наложи да излезем в мразовитата Манчестърска нощ и да се заклатим към автобуса. Чакаше ни цяла нощ път. Но въпреки студа, дъжда и умората, имаше няколко прекрасни обстоятелства, които топлеха сърцата ни като парно под юргана: на първо място, щяхме да гушнем Сами едва след няколко часа, а вече толкова отдавна бяхме отброявали седмици, дни и часове. Излишно е да се спирам тук върху мегамагнитудността и грандиозноманийността на това събитие. За него ще почакате. Сърцето ми, обаче се вълнуваше и защото щях за първи път от три години да видя Алинка, а и защото тя щеше за първи път да ме види като татко. Дали щеше да й е странно? 

Очаквах с нетърпение как ще се натоварим всички в колата, с която баща ми специално бе дошъл да ни посрещне от София и благославях факта колко лесно е да се прибереш, когато не те дели цял Атлантически океан...предстояха много нови емоции, а черешката на тортата беше, че щяхме да празнуваме втория рожден ден на нашето момченце! Момченце! Вече толкова различно от бебето, с което живеехме в Щатите.

Мисля, че може и да е било жираф, а не крава. Пингвин и жираф...да! Или петел? Не. Жираф. Важното е, че и двамата бяха мокри като кокошки, а не им пукаше. Поскачаха си по спирката, пушиха, плюха и чакаха с нас автобуса. Дали не умираха от студ? Ние с Алекс се бяхме сгушили като един пакет, а те, както повечето Манкуниани (така се казвали жителите на Манчестър) не признаваха студа. Вече сме виждали многократно момичета по кужуси от кръста нагоре и по къси полички и босички, милите, направо в токчетата скочили. Притичкват по уличката и се кълчат, а ние двамата сме се увили като ескимоси и цъткаме как ще им изстинат яйчниците. Та петелът и слонът явно, както много други манкуниански студенти бяха започнали да празнуват хелоуин два дни по-рано и вече даже се прибираха, за да се наспят за утрешния ден, та да имат сили за утрешния купон. Хванаха си те автобуса (или по-скоро се натъпкаха със засилка както в обикновен български автобус към 5ч. следобед) и ние чак тогава забелязахме намусеният Йохан (така се казват всички германци) да седи в ъгъла на спирката и да си мърмори на немски нещо от рода на "вифил яре бист ду алт". Седи и си мрънка.

 - А, ти, Йохан, към летището ли бе?

- Абе, устъй са - вика.

- Айде бе, Йохан, кажи кво става бе, братче, що си се намусил?

- Ами дойде автобуса за летището и нямаше място, та шофьорът ми каза да се качвам без куфарите. Е как кайне куфер? А в какво да занеса фанелки на Манчестър Юнайтед на майка ми! И така, явно тука тези изостанали англичани нямат достатъчно пари да пуснат автобусите по-начесто в такава паметна нощ като хелоуин, а и да не говорим, че закъснява следващия автобус! Аз хващам такси! Вие искате ли да си разделим едно?

- Аве, братче, ти от Алпите ли падаш? Как на българин в Англия такси ще пробутваш? Те тука да не са със стотинки като там? Тука паундове ти земат, лири, стерлинги - му викам!- Наиш, викам с едно такси до летището, пък дори и половин такси, колко халва ще изпием в БГ?

Той ме гледа като изстребител и като че нихт ферщее, че халва може и да се пие. Фана си едно такси, но все пак учтив де, каза едно "лихтенщайн" и си замина. Ние пък си останахме да си зъзнем и да се наслаждаваме на това как един пиян студент бягаше направо от полицейската кола, защото се опитаха да му проверят документите и да го накарат да върне пътните конуси обратно на пътя и да не се опитва да ги качва по околните тераси или статуи.

Е, разгеле, дойде си съвсем на време автобуса! Нито е закъснявал, нито нищо, но ние зверски измръзнахме да го чакаме. Тук е вероятно по-прозорливите от вас, които четат по-съсредоточено от колкото аз си чета лекциите, да попитат ама след като е бил на време автобуса, защо а джъ бъ, сте го чакали с разни камили и муфлони на спирката и сте мръзнали? Ааа, знаех си, че внимавате, радвам се, че попитахте. Ами Алекс ве, братче, кво има да ви обяснявам? Не я ли познавате вече? Да сме ние по-отрано, че да не минел нещо по-рано автобуса и да ни прецакал, щото не им вярваме ние много много на тез разписания по спирките. Туй да не е БГ да закъсняват? Тук може и да избързат нещо. Еми, мръзни си тогас ве, ний ви казахме 3:42 сме на спирката, пък вий ако искате и в 2:00 елате.

Затова аз винаги гледам от розовата страна на нещата и оценявам факта, че през това знаменито мръзнене се запознахме с пингвина и агнето, както и с Йохан! Споменът за тях ме топли и до ден днешен и съм готов отново да отида с 20 минути по-рано да си чакам като се прибираме по коледа, когато ще е още по-студено.

Та в автобуса - тъпканица. Пияни вампири се натискат с медицински сестри и монахини, а супермен се бие с невидимия. Едва се добрахме до безопасно място, далеч от вратата, близо до стълбичките за втория етаж на автобуса и близо до една мила групичка сънародници, които разбира се си говореха как са голямата работа, "пък тез тъпити англичани нищу ни разбирът и Бербатов е най-готиния и ний сига ут купона напрао на самолета". Но вниманието ми, макар и често да изпитва мазохистичната наслада да се фокусира върху родната реч в чужбина, да прави лупинги и да изпитва спазми от почуда на използваните "термини" и теми, беше привлечено от странен шум.

Абе, вали в автобуса ли? Какво пръска така? Поглеждам иззад стеничката, нагоре по стълбата към втория етаж на автобуса и, о, радост! "Ууааагггррр"! И от устата му на горкото студентче - безспирен извор на чудотворна отвара! Направо от втория етаж, като от живописен водопад по стълбите подскачаха зрънца от грах и царевица, с миризма на прясно пиленце и водка. Благодарение на кинетичната енергия, която натрупваха с падането, ударът им с пода на движещия се автобус предизвикваше жива картина на вълшебно подскачащи пуканки с доматен сос!

Автобусът се поизпразни още на следващата спирка, а нещастието имаше да се качи един попийнал англичанин. Той погледна към изографисаната на пет сантиметра от мен Джоконда на съвременното изкуство и се развика на целия автобус невинни пътници. Жената котка и умрялата от седалките пред нас даже се постреснаха и надигнаха очи от поредния ес ем ес.

-Еее, ама бива ли такава работа, той толкова не можа ли да стигне до вратата? Какво е това? Аматьорщини! Ама ей я де е вратата! Виж, на две крачки е, не можа ли две крачки да направи? Ема ууууб, ууууууб, ема ох, лошо ми става, не мога, ууууууубб, не мога да гледам, скъпа, давай да слизаме, че...

Измъкнаха се точно на време, за да не ни скапят в автобуса хубавата миризма на омлет с трушия! Слава богу! 

Наближава пет сутринта, а ето го и летището. Колко прекрасно начало на ваканцията!

това е част 1/4. Втора част е тук.

New-old Realities

6 Weeks of new and well-forgotten old realities, seeping in my soul to fill in the gaps that have been open for so long. Every past emptiness slowly fills back up again and the vessel shall be full once more.

Some of the old rivers have gone dry and the process is painful. The old "me" tries to show resistance to the demands of this new world, but thankfully there's so much inspiration around, that gives me the urge to keep going.

Walks

Walking around Manchester feels like fitness for the mind!
So much to see, to muse at, to experience, to question!
The amazing buildings, the green green parks, the vivid graffiti, the bars, pubs and coffee shops and the crazy-looking people.
These days once again for some reason I feel like an alien.
I wonder why people look at me, like I don't belong, like I'm not a good match for the beautiful girl I walk with...
aaah...I don't know. Must be my hair.

My Engine

As time progresses and the challenges of life seem ever more pushing, I can't help but come to the idea of "what am I doing?" and "what next?"
It's unfortunate that as carefree as I have always been, I now have to stand up to the true issues of life, which I have resisted for so long.
And yet, again, I am not scared. Am I foolish or just too confident? Or is there ONE and only ONE answer to this question: I am utterly fearless of what's to come, even excited about it! Because I have...

YOU!

I have the love of my life - MY FAMILY!

Remembering to be More...Amazed

The years seem to wash away the brightness of the colors of the simple things.
We tend to search for stronger thrills, for higher adrenalin, for more elaborate designs, and exotic places.
It's that cynicism, that blinds us for the simple things. And there's so much beauty in simplicity!

The ones, who, like my little alkA, gape "wooooooooooooow"-ing at the tiniest details of life, are truly blessed!

It takes me a while, but it's surely amazing to be more...AMAZED!


Here's to the simple things!

Letter to a Friend:

 

Dear friend,


I've been thinking about you. How are you doing lately?
I like our little conversations, even though I am terrible at writing back...I really missed you!
Every now and then, the time comes and here I am. I know, it's a shame that it took me from August to October to write again, but I promise to try and keep in touch more often.

...

Aaaah, we're in the UK! It feels great! The atmosphere of Manchester is so inspiring!
The air, almost always heavy with rain, nice and chilly weather, far, far away from the deserts of Nevada. This apparent gloominess gets swept away with the tiniest rays of the Sun. And they DO show up, from the most unexpected corners of the day, relentlessly looking for loopholes in the clouds, rushing to surprise us with the long shadows on the red brick walls...
and the buildings...

Everything is build hundreds of years ago, these magnificent edifices are covered in moss and poison ivy!
We stroll through the streets and constantly get lost in the secret passages, finding ourselves in the most bizarre places. So much art! In every detail, on every corner. Even the people are art...
There are so many students here, that it feels like that's all the whole town is all about.
and the coffee shops...
cuddled secretly in niches, in the cracks of the buildings even. With barely enough room for a wooden table and two chairs, and a coffee/tea machine.
and the pubs...
people overflowing every place there is, where someone can drink! With their business suits, with their mohawks and skinny jeans, all of them drinking together. If you listen long enough, you may well hear them singing!

...
but I digress...

School started and it's HARD! At the age of 31, I don't find it particularly easy to unravel the hardened knots of my brain and have to use them again. My enthusiasm is there, but I get overwhelmed so easily.

Either way, it's for a good reason. Hopefully, like you say, we are now on the right path to self-fulfilment!
I love that expression - that life is a journey and not a destination! I keep reminding this to myself!
And as for now, this journey feels tremendous! I feel right where I want to be! And I LOVE it!

And Sami! Sami is also doing great! He's back in Bulgaria with the grandparents, at least until we get everything squared away here.
He's almost two and such a powerful and fascinating boy! There is so much LIFE in him! We'll go see him in a couple of weeks. But then again, we're on Skype every morning and afternoon, singing,
talking and playing... We miss him so much! He doesn't seem to care we're away and always has the biggest smile, melting our hearts away!

The summer in Bulgaria was so amazing! I'll have to write you a whole different letter about it!

As for now, I'll say "Good night" and, please, take care of yourself!

All the best!

Stoyan

DA DAY!

Tis da day!


The day of liberation!

The day of end of serving!

The day of the end of WAITING! Or at least doing it only for a  living. If I ever wait tables again, it will only be WHILE I'm studying...but hopefully even then I can be a librarian instead.

There's gratitude in my heart, of course, for without this job I wouldn't have been able to see half of the world, to live for once in my life, not having to worry about the daily bread.
Wow,wait till you hear how it all ends!

Standing on the edge of two worlds. Both equally attractive and scary.
5 days, 8 hrs and 10 minutes before take-off. Take off from our safe nest!
The bittersweet feelings are pouring in....may be more bitter than sweet.

It seems like the older you get, the harder it is to make a change. And for this one thing we are so excited!

It's time to start the evolution!

loss

There is no adequate way to react to loss. There is no way I can think of to help you, but I'm here for you if you need me, my dear!

Shedding Skins

Like peeling an onion, shedding skin after skin, after skin we strip our lives down to the minimum. We reduce and concentrate, until nothing but the core is left. And it's not a soft, tender core, but rather a strong, resilient essence of who we really are!

It all started with the "beginning of the end", when we gave away a member of our family. After that, we found ourselves in such a whirlpool of shaving excess, that to this moment, we're still rolling down "simplicity" hill and finding the greatest pleasure of live in not POSSESSING! 

As soon as we found out that we were moving out of the US, the grain of change planted deep into the core  of our fortress of material possessions and started devouring the foundation of what we used to perceive as security. Barely anything, ever made the cut anymore. We could strip it all to the bone and contrary to our expectations, live seemed brighter than before.

And now, a time for a cliche: "What you possess, possesses you!"

(Slogans, as I've written before, are far removed from our daily reality. With their blatant idealism, they seem to frustrate our everyday live and trow us out of balance. The truth, however, is that our balance is based on falseness and the smallest glimpse of the truth, is sometimes capable of shattering the illusion.)

So, the more we shaved, the closer to ourselves we felt. You may remember when I wrote you that we traded our "TV for a fireplace". One of the more surprising things was that after we shipped 400 kilos, or 880 pounds of stuff to Bulgaria,...we didn't care if it would sink deep into the Atlantic. Because we just found out that we were doing just fine without it.

The only thing - the symbolism of our "style" - was what we missed a bit. Every piece of furniture, every ornament, every piece of art, was torn from our hearts. Our family stance, our comfort zone was going away too. For we are FAR from perfect, and the attachment to our things remained. As I delve in it now, I find it to be nothing but fear and insecurity. Those feelings go away as soon as you find your own self underneath the artifacts.

Possibly most painful of all will be the moment, when after two weeks we'll step out of the door of our home and say "goodbye!" Goodbye to the place we became FAMILY in! Goodbye to the nest, the retreat, the solid ground. And we'll fly. Freer? Happier? I don't know. Is our happiness locked within those four walls though? I doubt it. Well, our privacy and security definitely are part of our happiness, but I think they are just pillars, holding up the illusion of comfort, when all we need is its ABSENCE, so we can strive to grow. 

So, here we are: in an empty house, with fuller hearts! Our minds, excited by the fact that we feel so comfortable in a place with nothing but a bed, a couch, a fridge, a stove, a lap-top and a bunch of toys (cause Sami hasn't gotten to the point of philosophical realizations that we have and still loves his toys) !

Stripping down the layers....

It's like loads of weight come off our shoulders. It's liberating, it's cathartic, it's surprising. Like Benjamin Button, we're going back to our roots. To what really matters:

Love, Family, Growth! 

FOREVER!

Skaaaaaaaate!

It was high time! I wonder why we waited for so long? Sami is like 20 months old already and we finally catch him up with time. He's has a cell-phone for a while now, but I finally decided it was time for the more important inventions in life!


It was time daddy got him a "keeeeeeiiiiit" (skate)!

So, we jumped on the car and drove down the street in the endless "music" of the word "keeeit, keeeeeit..." being shouted from the backseat-driver!

And we got one!

Then at home, daddy decided to show him how it's done and.....broke it!

Alex gave me the hardest time, even though Sami never understood that it wasn't ok to skate with just the two wheels...

Thank god for the American system of returns! Today we went back to the store and exchanged it for a brand new one!

Here's the result:

A natural!

Bada! Bada! Bada!

In the sweltering heat of Vegas there's nothing like chilling with dad at the kiddie-sprinkle-playground joint! Of course, I'm still afraid of this water here, cause it's too out of control, but check out how I teach dad to swim in the pool!

And I gotta be honest, ever since I found out about this pool thing, I don't give them a break! All I talk about is "bada, bada, bada!!!" (water, water, water)

Happy 4th of July, A.K.A. Turkey Day!

Fireworks and turkey make me sleepy!

Sami & Memi

Now they are inseparable! I can see LOVE growing inside my son's beautiful little heart! He finds so much comfort and tenderness in his friend...may be just as much as he used to show for Buddah...You should hear the joyful call, as Sami climbs up the stairs towards his bed "Memi, Memi, Memiiii" (Comes from "meche" - little bear in Bulgarian). He made up the name and ever since, they spend every night together!

That pure joyful love and tenderness melts me and with it, my own ever-growing love for him overpowers me! He gave me TWO kisses for good-night tonight!

I keep finding more and more levels of mad love in myself! Feelings I didn't know existed!

Thank you, my son!

My Solstice

I Bet I Can Be a God

I bet I can find at least 12 people, who'll believe me that I'm a son of God!

I bet they're gonna have at least 24 kids, who will tell their 48 grand-kids how awesome I was and how convincingly I told my stories! And then, their 100 great-grandchildren will tell their 200 kids of all the miracles I've performed! What an awesome fucking magician I was! And then I'll become a true prophet, and next thing - a TRUE son of God!

I bet, in a couple of hundred years people are going to start writing books about me and come up with the awesomest miracles that I performed!

I bet all those stories will be re-written and embellished!

I bet they'll be translated and interpreted in many ways!

I bet they'll get sanctioned, organized and censured by the ones in power of MY new religion!

I bet in a couple more hundred years they'll be so convinced in my truth that they'll go to war for it! They'll start centuries of wars, bloodshed and torture! They'll use MY religion as a tool to control and rob and kill people!

I bet, in 2000 years there will be thousands of people like me, who tell the world they are the Son of God, incarnated!

I bet they'll be held in pretty confined clothes between pretty white walls and fed pretty little pills!

Thank God I was born in the right place and the right time! People believe everything these days!

Counting down...

Counting down the days...with loss comes realization. I'm afraid that just as much as we hated this place...we're gonna miss it! God, help us on our new endeavors!
When comfort gets shifted, fear sets in - remember - the worst advisor, the guard of the homeostasis, the advocate of the status quo, the opposite of Love, the barricade for growth...and he is mighty!
And what does the future have in store for us? It's probably going to be hard...but at least it will be unknown...for otherwise - what are we really doing? Going in circles, waiting to die?

The End is the Beginning, is the End

Peeling layers of our life, stripping flesh from bones until we feel again! Until our hearts are exposed and vulnerable, sensitive even to the slightest whiff of the wind! At some spots there's a crust of dead and calloused skin, but others are already paper-thin and painful to the touch.

That’s what our life became since we made the firm decision to leave the comfort of our first true HOME, the security of old habits and the drive for homeostasis. Awoken by our own dreams, we felt that once more it was time to leave the nest and fly away. Back across the ocean, this time on an island. The land of the old knights and lords…

“The end is the beginning, is the end”

And so, slowly and steadily we shed skin, after skin, after skin…discarding furniture, comfort, habits, and more. Some feel like having gotten rid of a bag of rocks, that’s been dragging us by the throats to the bottom. Piles of useless items and people - unnecessary fillers to a meaningless monotony. But others hurt like pulling band aid and tearing hair, skin and flesh from yourself.

A part of all three of our hearts will stay behind forever, now that Buddah moved on to better ventures…our four member family has shrunk and the emptiness is much stronger than I had imagined. As we gave her hugs and kisses goodbye today, and waved at her, while Sami casually and joyfully yelled his “Tao-tao” (byy-bye), I couldn’t stop the lump from climbing to the top of my throat, choking me with tears. And as my good friend pulled away with his car, to venture out on a new journey, involving Buddah, him, California, skateboarding, beach, and the humidity of the Pacific, I wished I could have made better plans, I wished life could have been more fair to us and I wished that this would be the last time we’d have to lose a family member!

The stupid feeling of going home to the complete silence, where no one snores, farts and awaits lazily to be taken out for a one-minute walk engulfed me with pain and confusion. My feelings fight my logic, which tries to rationalize everything and explain to my confused brain how it’s going to be so much better for her, not to get tortured by a little rascal, who tries to poke her eyes out and walk over her, but also who shares his water from his own bottle and lets her bite a piece off his own apple. Because we knew, he loves her too. And…I hope not…but in this tiny little heart, something might be missing for a while. It’ll all go away, for Sami, but for us it will be there until the scar covers it. And I just hope that she’ll find tons of fun and comfort to fill her emptiness, or better yet, I hope she never loved us…but I doubt it.

Farewell, my girl! Keep bringing joy to those around you. Keep being more human than most people and forget us! May be we never deserved you in the first place.

We love you, Buddah!

priorities...

 

the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing...

A Long Story...last part! :)

Like a tramp, hitching a free ride on the last carriage on the last train, I summoned all powers, energy and ideas, to assure that while alkA goes to school, I won’t just end up being the supporting personnel, laboring at another restaurant, while she gets smarter.

I sat down and studied diligently like rarely before for my English exam and I absolutely aced it! I employed friends and long forgotten teachers for recommendations and advice…until, not long after that the wake up call spread warmth through my body and mind: “sorry to wake you up…you too have been accepted”.

Sleep>stress>denial>realization!

The realization, that this was the end of an era of our lives! The end of Vegas! The beginning of a new life. The approaching of the “some day” from our many conversations!

It was time to move on! And this is only the beginning of a hell of a long story!

Manchester, here we come! And in the meantime, Vegas, get ready, as we still have a lot of unfinished business with you! Now we’d paint the town red!

Eat (@) Dick's!

"Is this the first time you're having Dick's" the bar-tender said to us and screamed "Well now you'll see what Dick's all about! Let me see your ID! No! Don't sit at the bar before you show me an ID!"

THROWS them back at us and throws paper napkins right in our faces! In the meantime some one leaves the bar. He shows them a middle finger for goodbye! On the other side of the bar: " Hey, what the hell do you want? You want another drink? (a "no" as a shy response from the customer) That's bullshit!" Grabs the plastic cup from the bar and throws it on the floor, adding to the ridiculous mess!

Looks back at us. "What do you want!" and while I'm still looking at the menu he goes "Time's up!" and leaves for a good five minutes.

It must be SO liberating to be able to say what you think! Aaah, this long forgotten feeling still lives deep inside of me!

A nice, simple and impolite Fuck you! to your face means a volcano of emotions, erupting from my encapsulated emotions!
(So, I guess I do have the freedom of speech and I could use it here...but I'd be out of a job in no time. So, the question of the day is: Is it really freedom then? Because, I know, that if I wanted to, I could rob or kill somebody, but there'd be consequences.)

So, Dick is off our plate now. We can gladly say we've experienced yet another Vegas must see! I guess there IS everything in Vegas...now I think we just have The Green Door left and we'll be done exploring here.

My dear friends and readers! Worry not!
I'm still alive and I even write at times.
Times have changed now....my energy is directed elsewhere...
soon you'll know.

In the meantime I try to finish up some of the stories I start and never finish,
so you don't end up stuck with more Long Stories with many parts :)

Thank you for the support!

S.

My Drug

I've been drugged for 12 years!
I've been living a dream!
There's nothing more important than this!


EVER!

Thank you for everything, alkA!

Happy Anniversary!

grass time

a glimpse of fantastic weather in the valley...

A highlight of the day was to make Sami somehow tolerate a hat on his head. The record time goes to Alex who magically managed to keep it oh him for 45 seconds at a time! I guess it must be the mom thing. Oh, and besides the "mama", "tati", "Budi", and all the aminal sounds that we could think of, our brainy child can now pronounce or more like scream at us "apple", "бълка". And on top of the zoo that is constantly living in our house, he started counting in both Bulgarian and English. It sounds like "one, two, four, пет, тиии".

You guessed it, it's the mom thing again. Alex takes such a huge pleasure in teaching him everything that it is beyond my imagination. Now the daddy thing is, how quickly he picks up! Sami got a few good genes there to make up for all the madness  streaming from both sides of the family tree.

   It all looks so innocently peaceful. Wait till you hear about THIS crazy trip!

 

...

and the winner is:

A Long Story...Pt.5

7:30am:
Honey, wake up, wake up, wake up! I got a letter! They’ll honor my TOEFL! This is so awesome! I’m sooo excited, wake up, wake up, wake up!

Oh, gosh, that’s awesome news, honey! I’m so glad, but this means that I’ve got a lot of studying to do by myself, so let me finish up my sleep until 9, when I gotta wake up and play dad all day long.

NO! You’re getting up! We’re having coffee together!...

…I sigh and shuffle out of bed, so I can be grumpy and droop over a mug of coffee, risking to have a headache for the rest of the day.

7:29am:
Oh my god, there is so much work to do! Did you write to the professors in the Sofia University? Did you ask them for references? Did you sign up for TOEFL? Did you study? Wake up! You gotta e-mail the University of Manchester and ask them what they’ll need from you!

But, honey, I’ve worked till 1am, I’ve blogged till 3! I need to sleep! Can’t we take care of it after 9?

So that’s how much you care? You don’t wanna do anything yourself! You want me to do EVERYTHING for you? Fine! Go back to sleep.

I twist and turn, feeling like shit for 5 minutes and shuffle downstairs, barely able to keep my eyes open, so I can immediately e-mail my professors for a reference letter.

***

Days went by…lots of communication…lots of research, lots of advices from nice, caring, true friends, professors, and relatives; lots of real studying, taking tests, thinking and dreaming. Those were times when once again we felt alive, when once again we had a plan for a change; a substantial amount of hope and the feeling of “this is the RIGHT thing to do!”.


7:40am:
Wake up, my references came! We need to print them, sign them, scan them, upload them, e-mail them to the university and by the way, Manchester is one of the wettest towns in the UK! You sure you wanna go?
Oh, my god, Ali, in the name of Christ, mother Mary, God, St. Peter, St. Paul, and all the rest of the f-n' saints, including all the prophets and the angels, STOP WAKING ME UP SO EARLY! I need to sleep! We’ll take care of this stuff later today! It doesn’t all have to happen by 8am! Don’t ever wake me up like that again!

***

So, all her paperwork was ready. She had references, they accepted her test scores , she had been working in the psychology field for the past six months, she had been taking classes in a Master's degree in Counseling Psychology here, she was the perfect candidate and she had everything ready, so we submitted her application later that day.

It was a momentous event, one, filled with beautiful, yet mixed emotions: with the push of a button we were really doing it! We were really going to show the world that we cared for our lives! That we didn’t wanna be waiters and stay-at-home moms for the rest of our lives, that it WASN’T our goal to just reproduce and raise an offspring that was gonna reproduce and raise an offspring of waiters and stay-at-home moms! We wanted to make a difference in this world, just like we always had – nonconforming and getting in trouble for expressing our opinions and trying to live like WE had wanted to and not how we were EXPECTED to.
A press of a button and the entire glass castle could shatter to pieces! Or were we really worth it? Were we really as good as to dare dream of a better life, would we really make a difference?

Next day, 7:00am:
Teni, I know you told me not to wake you up this early anymore, but I just wanted to tell you something:

I got accepted!

I love you!

Now go back to sleep.

A Long Story...Pt.4

Our cozy nest had become too small for our souls. The golden twigs weren’t enough to blind us for the beauty of life. Time had come for us to leap out once again and trade comfort for adventure! This would mean a new attempt at flying, so we’d spread our rudimentary wings and do it all over again…but where do we land?

The search was on!

And if you already know me, you’ll know that for me there are three reasons why we live: to love, to experience and to evolve mentally. As simple as that. So, it’s only natural that our ticket out of here would be to wake up our hibernating goal – to go back to the university and get our Master’s and eventually our PhDs…in New Zealand!

And as most brilliant and highly ambitious ideas, this one also ended abruptly. Its short-lived happiness and enthusiasm got suffocated by the low numbers of students, accepted each year, the high prices and the tiny job opportunities.

Panic set in. And as disappointment was creeping up our spines, we were hectically researching Australia, Europe and the Moon. It got to the point where Alex sent me a text message in the middle of my shift, asking me if I’d go to study in Argentina. I said “ok”, except it would be a bit hard for me to understand them when they try to teach me stuff, considering I only know the swear-words in Spanish. Yes, a lot of swear-words, but that doesn’t change much unless I was going to study Freud again.

She got mad at me when she found out I didn’t speak Spanish and let it all go to hell.

Another hope had devastated my life. Another reason why I thought fortune cookies should be forbidden and not given to unfortunate people.

So, anal as I am, I devoted a few days to cleaning the house. Every time I’m upset I get in this insane organizing mode, where you better not be in my way, or I’ll drive you crazy with questions like “will you need this or should I throw it away?”.

Fate, god or just life has its own miraculous ways of guiding you through the darkness when you are lost. Hopefully my vehement religious christian friends aren’t getting too excited here, because I’m not talking about jesus (there is no walking on water involved, nor feeding of the poor with one fish). My biggest pep-peeve is de-cluttering paperwork. Millions of dead trees end up collecting dust in people’s cabinets in the form of saved bills, receipts, pay-checks and un-mailed letters. Amongst ours – this guide for the University of Manchester…

“Honey, you gonna need this, or should I toss it?”

“Toss it!”

But I looked at it and left it on the counter. So, like little worms, alkA’s thoughts started creeping toward that booklet and tickling her imagination. As she sat on the computer, devoting herself to her second full-time job – Facebook – she kept wondering what that booklet said... And just like a light in the darkness, her beautiful fingers wrapped around the pages, her deep brown eyes sank into the pictures of old, Ivy-covered buildings, and before you know it, she was back on the computer, doing her thing.

This time a new sensation engulfed us…everything added up! It all seemed possible! Even we could meet the requirements…well, to some extent. And, surprisingly, Manchester captivated our hearts with the welcoming architecture and classic European spirit…I mean – bars on the streets and people WALKING!

And there we were again – hoping! Counting on lots of work and lots of LUCK! Fucking fortune-cookies! May be, just may be they messed up my head for a reason!

Shoe parking...

I just thought it was kind of funny that I had no room for my work shoes tonight when I got home...the little guy's stealing not only my time, attention and love, but also my shoe spot...before I know it, he'll be parking in my spot!

A time of realization

our time isn't as important anymore. I guess we may have learned to be less selfish...we spent our entire weekend making Sami happy...is that weird? I mean we always used to have fun with our own grown-up stuff only...and look at us now...we're at the playground, accidently kicking little girls in the face on the rides (thank gOD, this girl couldn't deliver the message to her mom!!!! Else, I'd have been in trouble....I didn't mean it, she was in my way when I was chasing Sami off a ride!...Yes, she did have amark on her face...Yes, I do feel terrible!...Yes, life is Unfair!) and having fun of our own. It's strange, but nowadays when Sami's happy, we're extatic :)...Weird parenthood emotions...who would have thought...

Yin and Yang

What's missing in both pictures? You got the answer?