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Monday, October 31, 2011

A Hell of a Halloween

It is difficult to recognize my true self in the angry, tired face I see in the mirror in the morning. The toll that the insecurities of life have on my life make me an irritable, often quarrelsome person and I seem to find little joy in life. Or at least so it seemed today.

This new me also comes with another set of features - a complete lack of enthusiasm and initiative for anything. I hardly bring myself to doing anything at all. Days seem to drool away in muddy, gloomy Mancunian shit and I just force myself to stay active just like a sick man forces himself to get out of bed and go to the couch.

So, the result was that my enthusiasm for this Halloween was miniscule at best. (by the way, thinking about Christmas makes me wanna throw up) So, here we were - walking amongst all kinds of witches, skeletons and monsters, uncaring and guilty, for we should have done something to at least excite Sami. The sense of guilt was just about to engulf me completely, when alkA gave an unorthodox (to us) idea: 'Let's carve a pumpkin!'

What? But my hands are stuck so far up my ass that I couldn't even put a sculpture together if the parts were given to me. And have you seen me draw? Oh, you should see what I draw for Sami - squirrels end up looking like pigs and airplanes - like scarecrows. But what the hell, that was something we'd never done before, so we thought we may as well try it...

And the magic happened! We all sat around the table, looked at some pictures of pumpkins, so we don't end up doing the three triangles and a line, but at least make it a bit more fun. Before we knew it, I was carving away to an extant that I wouldn't let anyone touch my 'work' and Sami was running around all over the place, playing with the carved out pieces on every couch, pillow and wall in the house. Strangely enough, the pumpkin was ready in no time and we all loved it so much, that we needed a second one. Without another pumpkin, we simply did a new face on the old one. The joy of creating something, even as petty as this was enormous. Sami's excitement was an absolute reward and the fact that the three of us were sitting around the table, doing something other than eating was amazing!

But after finishing up the two-faced pumpkin the night was far from over. We turned all lights out and left the room lit only by the spooky but warm light of a candle in a pumpkin and each of us had to tell a scary story. Sami was, of course, first and he made us shiver with the scary story of the big black wolf. Then alkA told us about the old witch and the scary faces she made over the pumpkin seemed to really freak out the poor child, so he had to constantly turn on the light, just to make sure we were who he thought we were. Then, I really liked alkA's trick and decided to tell the story about the devil, who was stealing little kittens to lure naughty kids with them. Unfortunately my attempt to imitate alkA's faces-over-the-pumpkin illustration wasn't as favorable to my eyelashes and eyebrows, but at least making shadows on the ceiling worked out pretty well. So, there we had it. No planning and no preparations. We had our family time and lots of fun. Who knows, next year we may even go trick or treating. But who knows what the times will bring then...

For now the moral of the story is a little saying that alkA and I always say: Doing things - that's love! And I guess, we can add - that's life! The more you let yourself flow down the stream, the less alive you feel and before you know it, your life will be over. So, even when you feel like wasting the day away in oblivion, force yourself. Get up and go for a walk. The rest will come with a bit more persistence. Guarranteed.

Love!
Live!
Do things!

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Do you want to be happier with your life? Your health? Yourself?

Then....




GO VEGETARIAN!!!!!


Here are some good reasons why! These movies are life-changing. You can ONLY benefit from watching them. And if they harm your sensitive little tranquil, well then it might just be the time for you to open your eyes. More importantly, if anyone you know and love is ill with a serious disease, you may want to be able to at least give them an advice that could improve their health!

Movies are free. So, download them here:

Eathlings

Food matters

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I am an addict!

P1150526
Hi.

I am Stoyan and I am an addict.

I didn’t see it as a problem at first. I honestly thought I was just doing it to relax and to get my mind off things. I wanted to experience new sensations and to explore new realms of consciousness. Growing up, I always thought that exploring life to the fullest is the perfect way to have the greatest fulfillment. That’s why I devoted myself to it without any doubt. With the greatest passion, with the highest hopes! I always thought I needed it. I thought it would help me bring a meaning to this meaningless, petty life. I hoped to find myself in it. And what’s most confusing…I did. I found myself in every minute of every hour of every day while doing it. I was blinded…

It all started with a whim. Innocently. Just pondering if I could actually be brave enough to do it. And even though I had always wanted to do it, I never planned it. That day the wind must have been slightly different. The sun must have been shining in a different way. Life’s disappointments must have become just one too many. The devil penetrated my mind and started twisting and turning anything he could grab a hold of. So on that day I took the decision. I made the first step…

It’s been eleven years since then. I still remember it like it was just yesterday. I was so innocent, so was Alex. I didn’t tell her anything. I just did it. And it felt so good. So thrilling, so new and so right. Little did I know it would become an addiction from which I would later on come to suffer. Through the years it all seemed still innocuous. We were both hooked up. And we kept doing it over and over again until we got almost completely lost.

And here we are today. Many years older. And we are supposed to have grown up but it just seems to be slipping away. She has her feet more sturdily on the ground than myself. I am the one who is totally engulfed. Down the spiral and I can’t stop. So now that’s who I’ve become. I don’t even remember my old self anymore. It seems like it has become my life.

So here we are today. I am opening my heart to you. I am Stoyan and I am an addict. I am addicted to being an emigrant. A traveler. An explorer. ‘Ubi bene, ibi patria’. That’s who I am and I need your help. People tell me I’m not normal. That I should have stopped a long time ago. Settled, Secured a job, grown up…but I can’t seem to do it. Maybe they are right. May be I’ll stop. Maybe I won’t move anymore. Maybe I’ll stop travelling and settle. Or maybe I’ll do it all over again. Just one more time…

Having this addiction: most consider it a sin. A blasphemy for not having chosen the established path. But I consider it a virtue. We only live for a very limited time on this planet. And our fear overrules the inner urge for experiences. Our fear is what keeps us stuck, petrified. So, if you are in a place in your life where you wonder is this all? Is this as much as I can do, as far as I can reach? Am I going to be stuck here forever? I believe that you have the power to taste a little of the addicting juices of exploration. Even if you only did it safely. Allow yourself the mindset that you can at least try. And if it doesn't work, then just go back, knowing that you've tried. So, I will allow myself to quote an amazing truth that alkA. discovered: "If you are not happy about the place where you live, MOVE! You are not a tree!"


I am Stoyan, I am an addict and I like it!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

From the series: 'Guess where we were?'

Taking suggestions for the location of this egg ;)

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Where we are in life?

Disregarding the distances, I guess this pretty much sums it up. Again.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

A fighter's heart




As we stand here, in the middle of a new crossroad, I can’t help but admire with my fullest passion the person, closest to my heart. alkA. A relentless fighter, she followed her own advice, much better than I did mine. She says: ‘Keep calm and carry on’…and does it. Don’t ask me how, don’t ask her what it costs her. She is doing it. Every day, every hour and every minute she is a mother, a wife, a student and even a teacher, as so it seems, those who teach her also learn from her. I’ve started calling her ‘Levski’ in the past few years of our beautiful and bumpy family life. As she is indeed a fighter. And, like the Bulgarian legendary hero – Levski – she too has the unbelievable energy to conquer hardship after hardship without a rest. In a year she managed to cope with a tragic loss, with several moments of difficult separation from her most valuable, with a change of climate, home, with constant pressure from school, with a master’s dissertation…and as soon as this was over, she jumped right in the flames to prepare publications, to design PhD applications, to volunteer and to balance all this with providing the optimum for Sami.

What about me? Well, my advice has always been: ‘Don’t worry, things get settled by themselves.’ But what I do instead – worry, worry, worry. I’ve become so irritable and impatient that my anger devours me. Hatred is baggage, it has been said. We carry it everywhere. It hinders our movement and weighs on our shoulders. And yet, the more overloaded I feel, the more of it I take on. Another vicious cycle. As for the ‘settle for themselves’ part, I am starting to believe that it may have been our efforts (mainly hers), that have carried us above and beyond the depths of depression and the swamps of stagnation. I get inspiration from the fighter next to me and as difficult as life can be, I am thankful for being blessed with her passion!

I wish this passion for life unto anyone! Be inspired, keep calm and carry on!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

The rather difficult task of letting my kid be a kid


Oh, the sheer struggle of confining myself! Of stopping my feelings and battling my gut desire to just keep shouting and saying NO! For to please me and to let me relax, my son should probably just sit quiet and still. Then of course, I would be rather worried, so there is simply no way I could be pleased.



My perspective: Stand still in the morning. Don’t call me while it’s still dark. I need some more sleep and you certainly don’t have to poop (I figured it out by falling for this trap a few times)! At breakfast – stop dipping your hands in the food, stop playing with the fruit from the fruit bowl, stop spilling your milk all over everywhere and would you just for god’s sake eat the damn breakfast and let me have my coffee! Outside – don’t run, don’t jump in the puddles, don’t let go of my hand, don’t eat cigarette butts, don’t scream, just WALK (even though it’s just a walk, I need to feel like I’m getting somewhere)! In his room – it’s fine if you empty your entire toy basket on the floor, but would you finally learn to put them away without having me go through tirades, threats, punishments and anger management? Don’t touch my phone, don’t touch the knives, don’t play with cars on the walls, don’t ask me 50 questions per minute, just let me breathe!



His perspective: I am exploring, creating, learning, playing, just let me be a kid! I am bored in bed in the morning, I am full of energy and want to run, jump and scream. Not my fault that it always rains or/is wet outside, so we can’t go out with the skateboard. I playing with my food makes funny images, you make funny faces, and I am bored at the table. Jumping in puddles is the most fun ever! If I splash the people around, well let them be more careful next time they walk around me. I don’t agree with limits, so why should I stay off the street? I want to see what cigarettes taste like. I mean, everyone has them in their mouth, they should be awesome. What do you mean if it’s on the ground it can’t be eaten? A piece of gum is still a piece of gum.



I know where this battle will end. Probably just like me, my son will grow up to be an anal freak, that expects his kid to play in a confined territory, not to ever spill, and to be amused by the info booklets that he can tear apart, as we don’t do this with our picture books.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Бисери

Мамо, искам да пйавим сапунен мехуйу :)

...още не сме научили 'Р'-то и се получават такива недоразумения.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

One month

A month of silence has passed. A month was just about what it took me to rest after a year of hardcore studying! During this month a whole lot has happened and I will slowly try to sift through the mud and tell you about the hidden treasures. As I now am jobless I will follow the great advice of the thinkers. When the job you want doesn't exist - create it. So now that I don't have a job I will write as if that's my job. And we'll see who pays the rent ;)