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Thursday, November 26, 2009

Death By Remodeling...a True Story - pt. I


“Give someone a finger and they will bite your hand off”, says yet another of Bulgaria’s smartest proverbs. It seems that Bulgarians always have a nice proverb for any occasion, a saying, containing the essence and the wisdom of the centuries of history and wit.  If only we would follow our own advice…

It’s high time I tell that story. I’ve been preparing you for it and waiting for the fruit to ripen, so I can give you a nice, high quality and high-proof fermented and distilled story, to keep you entertained for the rest of the day. I’ve been promising and preparing you, my friends and readers for this moment and now here it is, upon us. Yes, you know some of the facts already, from former posts, and yes, it’s ironic how when you look at the consecutive months on my posts, they get less and less every month. But the reason is not the lack of ideas or inspiration, nor the lack of time, really…it’s the harshness of the circumstances, leaving me speechless and in wonder…what should I start with!

So it all started with that innocent post from Oct 24th, about the beginning of our remodeling. The truth is, we had our house emptied out on the 22nd. We stuck all furniture in the garage and in the one room downstairs and decided to live in that room, along with Sami for the next “four or five days”, as promised by our licensed private contractor. But he didn’t show up, as you know, because he had a “family emergency” that was going to last a week, and only lasted 2 hours, so I rehired him and then Alex fired him as he was 2 hours late the next morning. Little did she know, what those two hours of patience would mean, nor did she have any idea that she should have listened to her ridiculously accurate horoscope, saying for that very same day: “Don’t let emotional decisions get in the way of business, because it could mean a major setback!”

At the time I was like, “yeah, she’s such a toughie! She just fired the guy! We’ll get another one in no time! They’re all piling up to do the job!” and there I was, all excited and on the phone again, dialing number after number, negotiating and explaining what the plan for the remodeling was. And what a plan it was! We were going to build a wall that would separate our loft, from the rest of the living room, giving us an extra bedroom, where our precious child could sleep, so we could selfishly reclaim our own bedroom and live a bit of a more normal life.

The negotiations were successful, we had a winner, who was going to do the job by building the wall on the side and attaching it in place afterwards, for a little as a Grand ($1000). I didn’t care. They were on!..until a day after they were hired and I called them to see when they would be here, so I could hear the following excuse: “We were doing another job and the owner of the house car-crashed into his own garage, so now we have to stay for another week and fix his garage up!” OK, you’re fired too! Idiots! What an excuse, uh!

Time was passing, our patience was growing thinner and thinner. We were spending our fifth day in “The room”. I felt the worst about Sami. I just knew how his little explorer's heart was pounding, ready to go and roam about the dust and mess of the house, but instead he was spending day after day stuck in a tiny little room, with the same old toys, that sing the same old song and make you wanna get the one and wack it into the other one, till the stupid little melody doesn't die forever, so you could have a bit of peace between the "A_B_C_D" song and "Marry had a litle lamb"!

So I made a few more phonecalls and I made this guy come by and see if he would be merciful enough to get us out of our single-cell jail. He was on! His workers were going to start on the next day and it would take no more than five-six days! Oh, jump with joy, in six days our life would be new!

Our spirits were so high up, that we even hired a baby sitter and went to the hottest Halloween party I’d ever imagined! Those Americans, they don’t play around! When they wanna do a party, they don’t just do it at their parent’s house and clean for the rest of the week after. They just RENT a house, put up decorations, a DJ and an enormous table for liquor and all the cool people are invited! Don’t even ask about the costumes! It was hard to keep a normal conversation with alkA and she kept trying to get my attention, because those costumes of the like 200 people, that were there, were crazy!!!

 
So, as you can see, we felt so loose that we’ve got everything under control that decided to go for some fun. The next day the workers came and I was dead asleep, so I couldn’t even remember to wake up and let them into the house, so they would start working on the ceilings that I totally had messed up, by trying to fix them in the previous days. Well, at like 9.30 am I wake up and look frightened at the watch, I jump out of bed, like it was a pot of boiling water, open the garage door (that has no bell on it) just to find a couple of Mexican guys hanging out there “for the last two hours” as they claimed. I apologize, let them in and the work begins!




I had the grin of a person, no suspecting what’s to come and the hope of a naïve, attempting to improve his live with logical solutions! What the hell is wrong with me?!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

For alkA's Birthday!



It's alkA's Birthday!
It's alkA's Birthday!
It's alkA's Birthday!
It's alkA's Birthday!
It's alkA's Birthday!
It's alkA's Birthday!
It's alkA's Birthday!

Happy Birthday, alkA!
Happy Birthday, alkA!
Happy Birthday, alkA!
Happy Birthday, alkA!
Happy Birthday, alkA!
Happy Birthday, alkA!
Happy Birthday, alkA!

29 years ago a shrimp was born! Then, later on, as the story goes, she marries a prince and becomes a princess, then they hava a little monster and live happily ever after!

The only evidence of the shrimp-ness left is that the princess still sleeps like a shrimp!

I love you to death, alkA! May all your wishes come true! I'll be there to help grant them!

Happy Happy Birthday, my Love!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Bliss!

Oh, my fucking gOD!
One of the most amazing feelings!
I got home, turned the lights on, sat down on my couch and had a shrimp burrito!

If I had a TV (well, I'm a spoiled American now, so I mean a flat screen mounted-like-a-picture-on-the-wall TV), I'd probably even watch some TV and relax, but even like this it's fine!

After 22, I repeat: twenty-fucking-two days of living stuck in one room during the remodeling at home, we finally have our house back. Well, this is all relevant and I promise you, once I do have the time, I'll share with you all about our remodeling, BUT! It's almost over and now, after and during the BIG cleanup, we have a breath of fresh (well, dusty) air and it feels like FREEDOM! Don't get your starred and striped flags up yet, I'm not talking about the American freedom! We'll talk about this in a few...what I mean is: the Freedom to have dinner and a glass of wine after work! And if you think I'm bullshitting you, think again of what you have and do not appreciate, because before you know it, you'll read what we went through and you'll know what I mean!

All I'm gonna say is: I'm back! And I missed writing! It was one of the hardest things to endure, because I JUST HAD TO GO TO SLEEP! That's how tired I was!

So, grab on to something, people, I'm back. And this story should have Hollywood producers write me, so they can make one of those "based on a true story" movies :)

Friday, November 6, 2009

"Временността"



На връщане от Коста Рика бяхме като ударени с мокър парцал! Споглеждахме се, ухилвахме се плахо, прегръщахме се и си казвахме, че не може да е вярно и сигурно сме се излъгали нещо. „Та ние сме още деца! Не можем да бъдем родители!” Така, недоверчиво си казахме наздраве на летището в Маями и само аз отпих от бирата. Направихме отново изчислението: да, съвсем по план! Може ли някой да се съмнява? Разбира се, че това плюсче от теста за бременност беше прецизно планирано, пресметнато и творено с прилежни усилия. (Дори дългите работни дни или цялата бутилка вино на свети Валентин не бяха оправдание за почивка. Когато на петнайсти февруари Алекс се прибра от работа, ми разказа, че изпитала странно чувство, сякаш наистина имала пеперуди в корема. Нещо сякаш се случвало, нещо треперело. Нещо красиво... ) И все-пак, в какво се забъркахме! Нямаше смисъл и да се опитваме да си представяме. Всичко с времето си. Сега предстояха осем необикновени месеца.
Скоро след плюсчето се появи и сутрешното гадене. Само че нашето идваше следобед, точно когато потегляхме за работа. С него не закъсня и пикаенето. Под подозрителните погледи на колежките си, Алекс дълго трябваше да се прави на болна. Аз пък изгарях от нетърпение да кажа на целия свят и ежедневно се борех със себе си, за да дочакам до четвъртия месец.
Другото, което очаквах с нетърпение бяха пословичните за бъдещи майки странни прищевки. Когато казахме на доктора си, че ще си правим бебе, той ме предупреди да се грижа за Алекс като за принцеса, защото това е вълшебен период, а аз нямах търпение да ходя посред нощ за сладолед. Не закъсня и смс-ът. Както си работех, телефонът ми извибрира с думите: „Кисело зеле!!!!!”. Леко смущаващо, като се има пред вид, че живеем на няколко хиляди километра от бидончето с кисело зеле на наш’те, а аз не съм напълно сигурен, дали са и чували за такова нещо тук. Е, оказа се, че Sourcrout си стои в бурканите по рафтовете на супермаркета без никога да е чувало за зелеви сърми.
С киселото зеле, за съжаление се изчерпаха прищевките на бременната. Единственото, което искаше беше да бъде винаги заобградена от цветя и любов! За да изпълня това условие ми се наложи да съчетая купуването на седмичната бира, с благоуханни китки. За нея китки, за мен – напитки. Така, към края на бременността бебето в коремчето вече беше с изградени умения по икебана, а коремчето на тати беше нарастнало правопропорционално. Честичко повтарях на Алекс, че скоро тя ще роди, а аз – уви – не!

Това бяха знаменити времена, когато каквото и да правех, нямаше значение. Винаги бях прекрасен, обичан и обсипван с нежни смс-и; винаги й липсвах, когато не работех за нея беше празник! (За жалост, веднъж щом малкото дяволче си показа черните очички на бял свят, и голямото отново заигра с жезъла си и пак спрях да бъда перфектен.)


Thursday, November 5, 2009

Аз, Самуил

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/video/video.php?v=54719433561
alkA.


Началото на Един Живот

Тени,  кръв!

Надигнах  се в полусъзнание в леглото и в първата секунда се хванах да мисля „Кръв? Къде е успяла да се удари!?”. Във втората секунда вече бях пред нея, прегърнах я силно и се чух да казвам само „идва нашето бебенце!”. Моментът бе така раздърпан във времето. Едновременно преминаваха стотни от секундата и векове, цели ери в рамките на мигове, в които образите бяха размазани, а мозъците – в пълен блокаж.
А дори не бях разбрал, че е станала! През последните пет-шест-седем месеца тя прекара около 70% от времето в тоалетната и без друго, та нощем бях свикнал да проспивам скърцането на леглото по двадесет пъти на вечер, пускането на водата и лягането с думите „Ох, май пак ми се пикае”; бях свикнал да проспивам дори и това как й помагах да се надигне и я поддържах за кръста, докато се изправи. Не помня дали в последните няколко дни не съм я водил спейки и до тоалетната.
Този път май е сериозно! Бях си представял, че когато часът наистина настъпи, ще подходя с недоверие, лъган вече нееднократно да изхвърчам от работа, да карам като бесен до нас и...да се връщам на следващия ден, за да обяснявам на милионите разпитващи ме колеги, че това вчера било фалшива тревога. Но сега чувството беше друго. Енергията във въздуха беше различна. Признавам, изненадах се  от увереността и хладнокръвието които ни обзеха след първоначалния шок. Дори се изкъпахме, облякохме и докато минавахме покрай строените пред вратата родители на Алекс, тя им каза, че предполага, че от болницата ще ни върнат. Аз си знаех, че нямаше...
Багажите ни бяха приготвени от седмица и кротуваха на задната седалка на колата. Потеглихме в ранната, едва обелваща очи към изгрева сутрин на Лас Вегас. Тръгвахме двама, щяхме да се приберем трима. Синът ни пристигаше! Пътувахме вплели ръце, а в колата се носеше "Wish you were here" на Pink Floyd. Всички прозорци бяха отворени. Алекс дишаше все по-учестено, а погледът и беше някъде далеч в планините пред нас. Беше 5. 30 сутринта. Ех, каква сутрин само...
Предварително изчислените и засечени четиринадесет минути до болницата минахме за девет със затаен дъх, а в галавата ми, измежду трескаво сменящите се и хаотично блъскащи се една в друга като в сферата за тото мисли, една от печелившите беше: „Край на една ера? Колко прекрасна бременност беше само! Сега наистина ще видим личицето на онова черно-бяло бебе с чурка от ултразвуковите снимки!”



* * *

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

System Overload!!!



Ok, the preparations for The Birthday, the second most important Birthday in our lives (the first one was about a year ago), are going as planned…NOT! Who would have thought that our bright minds would need a whole year to realize that we have an extra room inside our home that could have long ago become Sami’s room? I guess our stuck-in-the-routine minds took a while to think outside the box of our living room. Or maybe, since it was Alka’s idea, as soon as she broke the spell of the waiter’s cripple-mindedness by getting out of the “business”, her beautiful head started giving birth to some really inspirational and achievable goals.  (Now that I think about it, there really is a “frame of mind” that prevents your imaginations from flying)
Whatever the reason, the timing could not have been more perfecterer! Just as she is going through a career change, just as the endless Vegas heat gave way to the crippling cold (Autumn? What’s that?) and we need to keep all doors and windows open, so the paint smell and dust can go away, and most of all, just as our son’s first (well, second if you ask me) Birthday approaches, we have been reduced to rotting vegetables, a.k.a. couch potatoes, stuck in a little room with nothing but an eternity of dust around us.
No, not bitching! Just pointing out a fact that the two of us have noted a long time ago – our timing for most things in life is as adequate as like my dad likes to say “You’ll recognize the Bulgarian swimmer at a swimming competition as the only one swimming the opposite way.”
So, as much time as we could squeeze between the waiting for the workers to come and guarding them, so they don’t steal our valuables (which they might need a while to look for, due to their invisibility), we planned and researched.
So far we have the place, the invitations, the decorations, the presents, and above all – this is the cherry on the ice-cream – the cake. (The cake, which must have golden threads woven in it, or may be precious stones for decoration, because only that would explain the price tag of $105! For this much cash, it better be the best fucking cake I’ve had, ‘cause it certainly is the most expensive one! )
There’s only one problem...as busy as we are, we might not attend ;)


Sunday, November 1, 2009

There are no hours, days or years...


Who has heard of Skakavitza?

It’s one of the few places left in our world, (if it even still exist as I remember it) where I first experienced the presence of a higher power. Call it God, call it quantum-mechanics, or the Secret, whatever the name, that is where I first lost my virginity! And I’m not talking about sexuality here either. I’m talking about spirituality. That was a place where I was in such awe with Mother Nature, that the powerful emotions, submerging me deep in the abysmal spiritual currents left me weak and incapable of comprehending what just hit me. The only reaction I could muster was…tears.


Skakavitza was the place that opened my senses to nature and one of its priceless gifts – the absence of civilization. Not just because I cherished the views, the colors and the magnificence of it all, but also because of the lack of one more ingredient, sickening my everyday life – TIME! The destroyer, the dictator! The neverending relentlessly downpouring sand of the hourglass. What’s even worse, it just stinks of civilization and vice-versa.

“…and then one day you find
Ten years had gone behind you,
No one told you when to run,
You missed the starting gun!”

This is one of my favorite and most formidable verses of all. But it wouldn’t have been if I hadn’t been born with the birthmark of civilization and all its pressures of milestones that I’d have to reach within a certain age of my life. Truth is, I’m so preoccupied counting the years that I forget to live them!


This really hit me today, as I was about to switch my clocks one hour back. I had earned an hour and this gave me a little thrill. But for what? All that really happened was that I lost another battle with the demands of my mental pre-conditioning. There are no hours, days or years. Just a certain glimpse in eternity where you get to open your eyes and say “Aaaaah, there’s something other than darkness in the world, and it’s beautiful!” That’s all you need to do! Realize the gift you’ve been given and enjoy it, grasp and grab and take deep breaths and love and give! By trying to reach what’s being expected from us, we just perpetuate the spell, that’s been cast upon us by some heartless sadistic misanthrope.

So how about we don’t set our clocks back for once? How about we just stop them all and just live for at least a day, huh?!