Emptiness

One of the worst, hardest, nastiest months of my life is over…

It can never even start to compare to The worst moment of my life, but it was pretty bad nevertheless.

As soon as I can put myself back together I will keep telling the story about the remodeling, not to mention my favorite story – the one, in Bulgarian, about Sami’s birth, but I really need to be in better mental health for that one. So far, I’m nibbling at the text with caution, because I’ve totally lost the feel for writing with having such a long and exhausting pause. This being said, I apologize to you, fine blog followers that I’ve left you hungry for my blogging for so long. But I know that you can’t be that devoted, as to rely on blog-food solely from me. If it is so, I strongly suggest you find other food-sources, because in the times of crises that we live in, there often may come other issues in my life, to overshadow the blogging.

But it’s time I said…anyway…

What this blog is about is the ONE thing, that has nested in my mind and will not give me rest and it’s this: alkA’s flying back to Bulgaria as I write this…on a family emergency matter. One that hurts her deeply and even though the worst has not yet come, it may…and I hurt for her. And I hurt that I can’t be there for her, when she might need to lean on my shoulder, and I hurt even more that even if I was there, I might still not have been able to help her, because there are moments in our lives when we are stupefied, our minds are left listless and helpless, and no matter how we try, we still end up being inadequate, just because we don’t know what “adequate” means.

Well, right now Sami’s asleep and the house seems awfully deadly empty. Every little crevice that this girl has filled with her own being is now empty. I roam around, trying to put things in the right place and I hate this one idea: tomorrow I’ll find them exactly where I left them! This NEVER happens here! The norm is to leave something somewhere and when you go to look for it – it’s gone. That’s what I’m used to. I’m used to being lightly lost in my own home, because we both organize things in our own ways. And now…now I just can’t bare the idea that things will be untouched when I get up.  For the last almost three years we’ve been together every single day. For the last almost 12 years we’ve been inseparable, but these last 1000 days we went through so much…the pregnancy, the birth, the baby, the toddler, now the kid…through good and bad we’ve been together. And we’ve always known that that’s how we want it to be. It’s sad that we let circumstances make us be thousands of miles away for awhile.

But hopefully it’s for the best. Every time we’ve been apart has only worked as a catalyst of a stronger relationship. Today it’s gotta be no different. It’s just that…how am I gonna make it through fatherhood alone? It seems a little scary, and I’m sure I’ll have a lot more to say about it as it progresses, but the good news is…I also feel empowered! I feel like it all depends on me! If I decide that Sami eats salmon tomorrow, that’s what he’ll eat! [well, come on, you know I already have it approved by the boss ;) ]