alkA Dolls: SilenciO, the humble

This is SilenciO. He is quite a descreet and solitary guy, a genuine introvert. He stays away from boisterous crowds. No one knows if it is his choice to forever keep a secret, or is it just insecurity???

It's a "Father" Thing...You Wouldn't Understand

Seems like, since the dawn of humanity, the roles between men and women have been divided. The women stayed home to watch the kids and men went to hunt and fight, so they could provide for their family. Naturally, this behavior, practiced for thousands of years, has become a kind of instinct that affects people to this day.
I see Alex, in her 100% role as a mom, devoted, caring and loving, extra sensitive and precautious. I too am relentlessly haunted by the ghosts of the man’s well ingrained role – to provide for them. I am now in charge of their well being, of their ability to be well fed and dressed today and tomorrow. It’s a great responsibility I feel, that I have to take care not just of myself, but of two other human beings.

This is an unfamiliar feeling.

It was just yesterday when I was screaming on stage with my band, riding my skateboard and sleeping on people’s floor, just because I wanted to travel and it didn’t matter where I’d stay, what I’d wear or eat. I’ve slept in hostels, tents, friend’s houses, huts, trains, train stations, busses, boats, beaches, camps, basements, attics…and it never mattered.

Now that’s changed. I can’t just go anywhere, not knowing where I can put my family to sleep, where it will be warm, quiet and comfortable. I am sure, that they can put up with many harsh conditions, but I just don’t want to allow them to. I don’t want them to just eat any food, but good, healthy food. I want them to have nice clothes, “things” and experiences. Possibly it doesn’t matter all that much to them, but it matters to me and this increases my stress levels.

Had things been more “normal”, had our lives had to deal with just the stress of learning how to be parents, I assume it would have been much easier. But it’s not. Seems like it’s true that “when it rains, it pours”. The American economy had to go to hell the moment Sami was born! No, it couldn’t hurry, or wait a bit! It had to be now!

So, there goes my level of security! All at the same time we had a baby, the economy crashed, my wife stopped working and I can barely get a shift these days. Why all at the same time???

I’ve been thinking all this to myself all day, ever since I got the phone call not to go to work today, because it’s so slow, they won’t need me. Even if it wasn’t for that damn responsibility that settled in my heart, I’d still be freaking out.

My lovely wife has always been an amazing support for me! So, after seeing my concerned expression and hearing all I had to say for the thousandth time, she helped me once again. She has that magical ability to always know what to do and how to do it…

“What’s the point of despair?” she said. “It leads to nothing productive! You have found the problem, isolated it, and now it’s time to solve it and worrying is certainly not the way. Action is!”

So, we focused our minds on the positive instead. After a beautiful and healthy vegetarian lunch, and some ridiculously chilled shots of tequila, (life is always brighter after a shot of tequila) the more “constructive” side of me emerged. I know that I want to make this blog work, because I have constant inspiration and urge to write and share, hopefully even inspire! This is my new band, my new venue; these postings are my new concerts, the writing – my rehearsals; the comments – your ovations.

I guess, it’s true that no matter what the times, you can find inspiration anywhere. And that’s the beauty of live. We just have to learn how to live it!

A Ray of Light

Everyone who knew my old me, knew my alter-ego - Ray! We were absolutely inseparable! I think to a great extent I owe who I am to him. His loyalty and unlimited patience helped me become a better person! He was a boy scout, a skateboarder, a student in school,a regular at the punk concerts, at my band's rehearsals, a roadie, a third party at every date I went on, a coffee partner, a beer partner, a beach bum, a camping buddy, a swimming buddy, a walking buddy, a brother, and a son to me.

We parted ways four years and 1 day ago...But he has never left me! We grew up together! I miss him!
To Ray!

We've Been Ferberized!

Ever felt like a sadist? It’s a nasty feeling for a vegetarian. Most of my life I’ve been trying to be an understanding, open- minded and compassionate person. I stopped eating meat over thirteen years ago, for the sole reason that animals were suffering!
So, to “Ferberize” Sami seemed like one of the most cruel things I’ve done!
If you have a kid, you already know what I mean. If you don’t, then one day you’ll know it, so … brace yourself! The Ferber method is a way to torture little babies and their parents in the name of everyone’s well being! Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? Simply put, it’s a battle of the wills.
Here’s what you do: first, you need a crying baby who has to take his midday nap, then you need a rope, earplugs, and nerves of steel for yourself. You let the baby “cry it out” and he learns to sleep, knowing that you won’t respond to his cry, so it will be worthless for him to even try next time. Or will it?
Sami slept twenty minutes this afternoon and woke up, crying. So, Alex and I decided to use our psychological advantage and “show him who’s Boss”.
Five minutes later I was holding her! “Don’t go! We have to resist! He is only trying to manipulate us.”
Ten minutes later: “I’m going crazy! Has it been an hour yet? I’ll give him the pacifier.” (He spit it right out as if he was spitting in my face)
After fifteen more minutes Alex picked him up to soothe him, so we could be sure he was still able to breathe after all the relentless screaming…then – put him right back down.
During the last fifteen minutes of war, Sami started conquering really strategic positions of our stronghold, because he used a tricky little technique, known as “divide (your parents) and conquer”! We were way past the edge, each of us being torn inside. I mean, man! That was some serious crying to a point where we didn’t know if we’d lost our hearing for the few seconds he stopped! We argued for a minute before I realized that now we were falling to his prey. That awesome little monster won!
Alex picked him up after we had spent nearly an hour listening to the sounds of the inferno, fighting and being emotionally shaken.
And you know what Sami did? Gave me the biggest victorious smile he could ever pull off! That arrogant little hmm… brat… even made both of us laugh at him for being so cocky! But really, we were laughing at ourselves for giving in. Psychology education goes right out the window, once you actually face your own barbarian!
We have just been Ferberized!

STAY CONNECTED.

SOME SOCIAL CONDITIONING

Slogans!
Idealistic advertisements for a “better life”?
“Live for today!”
“Live every day like it’s your last!”

Who does?

Why is it that people so vehemently proclaim ways of life they alone can never follow?
Who can actually DO that?

Let’s for a moment take the expression literally and imagine I knew that today was the last day of my life. I definitely wouldn’t go to work, right? I wouldn’t sleep much, because who wants to waste all this time? I won’t spend a second without my wife and my son, I’d maybe bungee off the highest jump, I’d definitely not spare a cent for the most lavish meal I can imagine, we’ll rent a private jet and fly to some nearby warm place to go for a swim in the ocean, and who knows what else my domesticated mind would allow me to dream of...



But I better not wake up the next morning, because I’ll be out of a job, so my family will stay hungry; out of savings, money for my mortgage, and soon my family might even be homeless. So to speak, after just one of those days, my life will be in ruins. Let’s not forget, that people say “live EVERY day like it’s your last”. How many of those can we handle? Not too many…I would guess.

In the not so literal sense - if I decided to live for today and still plan for our well-being of tomorrow, I’ll have to go to work. This leaves six hours of “free” time, to deal with a baby, a dog, the cars, the house, banks, clothes, cooking, cleaning, shopping – chores, chores, chores! If I’m lucky I will have 1 hour! ONE hour to “live for today!!!”

Our life is controlled by money, work, STUFF and “entertainment”! All those are time eating machines that we have incorporated in our minds. These are the chains we were preconditioned to lock our own selves in. And, honestly, I don’t see a way around it.

To me it seems like today’s “carpe diem” means spend a day with as much love, smiles and creativity as possible, so while your life is being stolen from you, you can steal some of it back.

Here is what I thought about it when I was eighteen and I feel it hasn’t changed much:

Nowhere to Hide

Money makes the world go round,
killing people every day.
We all love to hear its sound –
just to live we have to pay.

I have never known this feeling –
the slow sinking in the sand.
All dreams looked possible.
With no money we were all friends.

I wish I’d stay like this forever.
I never wanna “enter life”.
Staying at the door still hurts enough,
But “inside” I will not survive.

Always dreaming, always asking
how to turn the world the other way around.
Time goes on, the leash gets shorter
with every step and every sound.
One thought turns the other over,
one step changes paths and time.
Are we walking through it sober?
Is money just a sentence to mankind?

“We can live without it” I say.
You say “believers never die”.
It’s hard to realize that there is no escape.
With this world we can not fight.
(At least I’m gonna try to keep an open mind)

WHAT CAN I DO?
WHERE IS THE TRUTH?
HOW CAN I LEARN?
WHERE SHOULD I RUN?

So, spare me the super inflated, over-idealistic daydreams of a meaningful and free life, because they make me even sicker than the ugliness of the modern world! Shut up, go to work and let your mind slowly numb down to total forgetfulness and plastic smiles. Fuck you!

MOMENTARY LAPSES

When I was sixteen I wrote many songs. I remembered this one today:

FOR A MOMENT

And so it stabbed me!
It stabbed me again!
It occupied my mind,
I felt the disdain.

I’ve been so blind,
But now it has opened my eyes.
The truth gave birth to a lie,
Darkness abolished the light.

The light was too bright,
My mind was too right,
I’d never forget what was inside!
The light was too bright,
My mind was too right,
I’d never forget the fight!

I wanna keep it alive!
I won’t let it just die!
Compassion and love must survive,
Even if I am the only to fight!

But rivers flow,
We watch them go,
They wash away all our hopes.
And soon we forget
Of our painful regret
Deny what we have said.

I won’t forget!
My mind will not suffocate!
My blood will never stop boiling,
Until I have reached the end!

As a kid I had this idea, that every time you experience something, you learn something new and never make the same mistake again. I just thought that humans are smart enough to change and better themselves. But I came to find out I was wrong.

Even as I entered the adult world, I keep shedding my hopes and ideas one by one. Neitzchse said it best “every day try to get rid of one illusion about yourself”. Things often shutter me! I get all wired up and inspired and decide I want to do something about it. I feel so powerful and charged with excitement and then time and mundane-ness eats everything away. Slowly gnawing at my quest for a better me…

I saw “Bowling for Columbine” by Michael Moore for the second time today. And I remembered how shaken I was by it the first time I saw it, years ago. It had provoked me want to do something. Something drastic. Change something. But all I did was to forget. And who am I to blame all the people that saw it, saw the blatant actions of individuals, the propaganda that we are constantly fed, the mind-numbing media world that keeps us pushing the wheel, can I really blame them that nothing has changed? I honestly don’t think that anything can be done. I don’t believe that we have the power to change anything we dislike.

Alex read a research one of these days that said that we, humans, tend to return to our comfort zone or to the same “levels of happiness”, no matter what shakes us-good and bad. That means that we are slaves of our own mind. Hardly ever do we get “derailed” enough, to take action.

There are so many mind-blowing movies. Like Zeitgeist, like Planet in Peril, An Inconvenient Truth, Baraka and even Religulous… movies, that can shake you to the core, that should be powerful enough to send shockwaves all through the US, but it seems like nothing ever makes any difference.

So, as I walk towards my comfortable bed tonight and take off my slippers, I’m just going to ask myself if there is anything I can do, to make myself a more “active” person, more involved, more dedicated to a bigger reason. Because, maybe, just maybe we don’t all HAVE TO be slaves all the time!

Foot Massage for the Soul

I have recently found that I make people laugh.
I normally just show up from under the covers and see smiles around me.
My picture has made my parents smile and cry at the same time, even before I was born!
This is certainly a very nice feeling! Making the world a better place feels great.
I mean what is more important than making people around you feel great?
Yes, there is the whole "meaning of life" thing and all the serious questions about it all, but
sometimes what matters is just to make someone smile.

I've also noticed people's inclination to bite me.
This certainly feels a bit uncomfortable, because I'm VERY ticklish and biting tickles me a lot.
Makes me all red too, and this is unattractive to the ladies.

I don't have to carry heavy loads yet, since my boss is pretty small and unstable, but I'm sure a day will come when he gets bigger and stronger, and then he won't give me a break.

At this time I'm just happy the way I am.
I don't understand, though, what is the problem with having the "ring" toe be the longest of all toes?
They seem to laugh at me about that. They also come up with theories how this is a symbol of greatness and what not.
I think it's just the way I was born.

Oh, I'm sorry I haven't introduced myself yet!How rude of me!

I'm Sami's foot!

Nice to meet you!

I'll leave my footprint at the bottom of your page.

alkA Dolls: BooP

This is BooP. He keeps you company in your most private moments. Obviously, we don’t have enough of those lately. BooP’s constant companionship creeps me out sometimes. I guess this is the reason why he got his name. I believe it perfectly combines his two major characteristics: the Boo-look and the Poop he is always on the lookout for.

A Hot Shower on a Hotter Day

What an amazing feeling!

To have an unbelievable weekend doing nothing out of the ordinary, is a great feeling!

We have lived in Vegas for nearly six years by now. About five of them we have been quite bored with it. Apart form the crazy buzz of sweaty tourists with cameras on the famous Las Vegas strip, there is pretty much nothing to be done around here.

The weather is very non-user friendly: either it’s hot in the hundreds, or if it’s cold, it gets too cold for our tender, spoiled-by-the-AC-asses, and when it’s actually nice, it’s windy, or full of pollen, or buzzing with the terrifying sound of cicadas: “The sound of the cicada love song can be deafening. In fact, it's the loudest song known in the insect world. Some species of cicadas register over 100 decibels when singing.” (Quoted, without permission from About.com).

The town outside the Las Vegas Strip is a mere suburbia. It’s funny, because even the ghettos look like suburbia, only old and shabby. There is hardly any place to go, that has not been stigmatized by the classic plazas with the relentless images of Wal-Mart, Target, Walgreens, Wendy’s, McDonalds, etc, etc, etc: endless stamps of blocks of painfully similar pattern.

This weekend, however, we were determined to do something else and explore a little. Isn’t it an amazing feeling to find a cool new spot in the same old town?

We were set out to see the Skateboard Art Exhibition in Downtown Las Vegas, but the gallery was closed. So we went to walk around the very core of Vegas; the olde Vegas. I had no idea how cool it was there. I mean, all of the casinos with open doors, blowing out cold air certainly made it even cooler. It smelled of nostalgia and old perfume…it somehow had preserved the spirit if Vegas’ old glory, when albeit plastic and unreal, things used to be more down to earth, or shall I say – down to people…

In the “Golden Nugget” you can go to the pool and not only enjoy the enormous tank of sharks swimming at the very distance of your shorts, but also go down the slide, which cuts right through it. Even though it’s completely encapsulated, you can still fill your pants just as you dart down amongst them.

Fremont Street is covered with one of the most expensive video roofs in the world, where at night over 500 yards/meters of video shine overhead.

Even the old casinos, contrary to our expectations, looked somehow better than the new mega-giant town-in-a-building monsters of the modern Strip.

Sami was awesome the whole time - chill and all smiles; his big eyes - wide open to the marvels of old Vegas. At 7pm he fell right asleep after a long day of new impressions. Shortly after that, getting ever comfortable with the baby sitter, me and my loving wife went out for an amazing dinner and a bottle of wine in a Spanish restaurant. There is nothing better than reconnecting after days and even weeks of mundane-ness!

The next day we even paid our due respect to the American system and went shopping, to feed our material egos. We haven’t done this in months! It felt so new and so decadently good!

Lately, with the business being that shitty, I am often off for three days at a time, so I try to accept it as a blessing, and a better chance to spend time with my family. I gotta admit it is awesome.

It has been a well-known fact in our newly increased family that our son throws up a lot, when his tummy gets pressed even a little. I can go on and on about it, because there are a lot of yummy details that I want to share with you, however even the though of it makes me cringe a bit.

I will share the latest, though. Riding on my shoulders, which seems to give him a big hype, is one of those situation that should be highly avoided, especially right after meals, Sami gave me a warm shower. Tons of it! Right on my head, so it was slowly warming up my shoulders, chest and thighs. Thankfully, he didn’t eat any sushi! Formula throw-up is so much better! Alex, of course thought it was the funniest thing, and instead of helping me clean up immediately, pulled out the camera and started taking pictures! Oh, God! Imagine, 110 degrees Fahrenheit (a little over 43 Celsius) outdoors, and covered up in curdled, stinky and warm throw-up! It only gets better if you are hours’ worth of traffic away from home!

But it was all worth it! Laughing with Sami, while he attacks our poor bulldog, gave a whole new meaning to life and a beauty to mundane-ness.

This is how life should be! To be amazed by the ordinary things and enjoy them to the fullest is a tremendous gift that hardly anyone appreciates! And I am often guilty of it too. Thank you, my son!

alkA Dolls - her funky art

Modern art is an awesome emotional venue! When something you do brings you pleasure, it doesn't matter all that much whether anybody else appreciates it. What matters is that you put your heart in it and it takes you out to a different kind of journey.

...alkA Dolls are my wife's new passion (other than Myself and Sami, of course)
This guy here, she named GovindA and it's part of her "letting go" collection, which is all about expressing diverse emotions and states of mind.

Beauty sleep

Naturally, I am a “sweet” guy. However, I do not quite understand what happens between the hours of 6 and 10 a.m. I guess my not-so-natural bitterness kicks in. Unfortunately for those around me, awoken during that time frame, what comes out is my dark side.
I mean, of course, ever since the baby’s here, the mornings have been generally harder but today was different. There was the usual babbling at 5:45, which by 6:20 got transformed into a soaring cry that the neighbors could hear. At that point I just expected Aleks to get up just as she has been doing since the 12th of March and go feed the baby, so I could sleep away in my own paradise under the sheets. (I only do this for her, of course, out of no selfish reason. My “beauty sleep” helps me wake up with a smile and that’s good for her!)

But instead I got the “Will you, please, take care of him this morning?”

OK. Let me put this straight. I’m the “bread-winner” in the family and I have selfishly decided that I get to sleep, because I go to work. Makes sense, right? It’s been so for months. Now that I think about it, it makes me feel ashamed that this morning I blabbered a “We should start teaching him to go back to sleep or just wake up later! I’ll go in a couple of minutes.”

It was a bit too late that I realized what I’d said and tried to cover it up with an angry trot up the stairs and it just didn’t work alright. She came up, barely after Sami had grabbed a hold of his bottle, cuddled him gently and told me to go finish my sleep.

It was ruined!

Those are the times that I start thinking a second after I’ve spoken something stupid.

It was that morning grumpiness that led to her saying: “I’m never asking you to get up anymore”. She hugged Sami in our bed and turned her back on me. It took me a while to come to my senses. They’d already gone downstairs when I shuffled behind, without saying a word.

What is it with this sense of guilt that can make you feel so petty?

My solution was to do what I’m usually helpful with, which once again was not to help with the baby. I cleaned the entire house and cooked lunch. I even tried to take an extra day at work, but ever since the economy caught us off guard, it’s hard to get enough shifts.

Even though my ever amazing wife forgives me all the crap, this one was a bit rough. I mean, what should I really do? My job takes the life out of me lately. How do I get the energy to help out some more with the baby?

Fatherhood seems like the toughest job I’ve ever done. And even though I’m enjoying the benefits, I still seem to be in training.

Oh well, it twenty more years I’ll know exactly what to do.

Written: 5/28/09