Toy Story - the horror!

I have good and bad news!

And you probably wanna hear the bad news first, so that the pain can then be softly mellowed away to total oblivion by the good news. So, I’ll give you the good news first!

You ask why? You muse at the ruthlessness of my anti-human nature, you even consider leaving this blog right now and forever, to be free from the misanthropy that my wicked mind implants in your brain, secretly hoping that through my seemingly mindless rambling I will inspire you to once and forever wage war against all humanity and help me with its distraction!

I will, however correct you here, oh, you harsh judges you, oh you ignorant sinners and haters, oh, you mindless Judases! The truth behind me giving you the good news first and then moving on to the bad is for your sake only! So the pain from this revelation can remain in your brain and you can possibly reconsider your philosophical, political, economical, and social stance! For only then will you truly embrace the spirit of my writings, the quest of my life and the purity of my intentions!

So, without further a due:

THE GOOD NEWS:

China does not rule the world! Despite the fears of politicians, laics and random scholars like me you, China is still a pretty poor country, for most of its citizens are gambling their cash offshore in the Jewish empire of the Las Vegas casino bosses. So, no danger there!

THE BAD NEWS:

…yet.

Yes! Yes, my friends! I realized that China will soon rule the world! And here you are, once again thinking about money, politics and the crisis! Others, not-so-scholarly of you think that it’s because of the Million Billions of Chinese, spawning all over the world. And then there’s the rest of you, who are complete idiots, thinking that it’s because they are so good at martial arts and they will Karate their way to world domination! Now those of you who think that, I beg you – leave this blog and never come back, as there are these days some pretty good online research options and I don’t want my blog to be linked to your PC…or no…I mean – to your Mac’s!

So, how will China rule the world? I’ll tell you here and be prepared for your blood to freeze and your hairs to stand!

Ready?

They will do it through mind control!!! There is no better way of doing it and they have the perfect plan, I had the misfortune of uncovering!

Mind control, you’ll say. But wha’…? And here I’ll stop you with the answer which you’ll never think of yourselves, you poor believers in the goodness of the world!

The answer is:  TOYS!

…I know, I’m a genius…I know you had this wave of fear and realization swirl through your body and now you know the truth of all truths! Or? You don’t? Well, I told some of you to stop reading! Why the hell did you go on reading? Now my highly intellectual blog has been marred by your IP addresses! But fine! As long as you pay for what I will here disclose, I will elaborate for you a bit more…

So, Sami has been getting these toys, pouring in from all directions: Grandmas, their friends, co-workers, and other haters. Needless to say – all those toys are made in China. And they all have the same principle. Whether it’s a bus, a train, a clown, a guitar, a gun, a house, a microphone or a crucifix, all those toys play a part of the most stupidest, dumbestest and irritatingest tiny little Chinese songs! And that’s not all! They play 5 second cutouts of those songs, while they turn, shoot, rattle or fucking peck worse than woody right in my brains! So here you are again, you Einsteins, thinking – Well, what’s the big deal, 5 seconds is not that bad. But here I’ll stop you and make you think again. The songs are looped! LOOPED! They never end until you ‘accidentally’ step on one of them toys or drop them out the window. I mean, I was so so sad for the poor old people at the Fashion Show Mall in Vegas, who were selling icecream right under the iPod commercial, that had the same (honestly pretty awesome) song playing over and over again day after day! But this is 5 seconds! The ugliest parts of the deadliest songs, looped for my beautiful child to scare me out of bed every morning. And if you think I am an adult and I can handle this, think again! I am going crazy here! Invaded by the Chinese toy story. And on top of it all, I need to be buying batteries for those plastic bastards, or else Sami thinks I’m an asshole for not supporting his parent-torturing hobby. And even if you’re ok with listening to one of them for an hour, and looping that song over and over for the rest of the day, imagine looping 3 of them at the same time. Now you have a better idea of what I’m talking about.

But wait! You think I’m done? Here comes the cherry: they now learned Bulgarian too! So Sami’s gun (yes, grandma gave him a gun, which really confuses me, because it messes with my intentions to raise him as a pacifist and the desire to teach him how to shoot better, so he’ll go to China some day and avenge all humanity by killing all toy-makers) now says through endless trtrtrtrtrtrttrtrtrtrtrtrttrtrtrtrtrtrttrttrtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtrt at 6-7am: “We’re surrounded. We’re not giving up. We’re waiting for the back-up. The Bulgarians never give up. Commander, help. Fireeee!”. I mean, forget the historical blasphemy that Bulgarians never give up and the fact that they have probably the single most traded-filled history of all times! Why would you let my son UNDERSTAND what the toys say!?!?!?! So now the good old times with the Chinese 5 second songs are gone. It’s time for some real hardcore-I’ll-kill-you-with-your-own-gun kind of action. Well, I gotta hand it to them they found the way. They’ll brainwash every child from here on now as long as we buy this bunch of battery-eating plastic crap, they’ll ruin your relationship with your kid, thus destroying family as a unit and then they’ll send you to the asylum singing something like: “We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum… We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum… We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum… We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum… We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum… We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum… We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum… We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum… We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum… We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum… We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum” (yes, they have some English-speaking ones too!)

So, there you have it: divorce rates are higher than ever, children take drugs and have random sex, politicians are corrupt, and the rest of us are headed for the happy-house. All because of Chinese toys!

Don’t say you haven’t been warned! Bye-bye now.

We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum We are going to Ibiza..luru luru luru lum…larum…Fireeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Image advise:

Don't buy this! WTF is it anyway? It probably sings terribly!

And if you thought you'd be safe with 'silent' toys, think again

Not even squirt-guns are safe!