I am an addict!

Hi.

I am Stoyan and I am an addict.

I didn’t see it as a problem at first. I honestly thought I was just doing it to relax and to get my mind off things. I wanted to experience new sensations and to explore new realms of consciousness. Growing up, I always thought that exploring life to the fullest is the perfect way to have the greatest fulfillment. That’s why I devoted myself to it without any doubt. With the greatest passion, with the highest hopes! I always thought I needed it. I thought it would help me bring a meaning to this meaningless, petty life. I hoped to find myself in it. And what’s most confusing…I did. I found myself in every minute of every hour of every day while doing it. I was blinded…

It all started with a whim. Innocently. Just pondering if I could actually be brave enough to do it. And even though I had always wanted to do it, I never planned it. That day the wind must have been slightly different. The sun must have been shining in a different way. Life’s disappointments must have become just one too many. The devil penetrated my mind and started twisting and turning anything he could grab a hold of. So on that day I took the decision. I made the first step…

It’s been eleven years since then. I still remember it like it was just yesterday. I was so innocent, so was Alex. I didn’t tell her anything. I just did it. And it felt so good. So thrilling, so new and so right. Little did I know it would become an addiction from which I would later on come to suffer. Through the years it all seemed still innocuous. We were both hooked up. And we kept doing it over and over again until we got almost completely lost.

And here we are today. Many years older. And we are supposed to have grown up but it just seems to be slipping away. She has her feet more sturdily on the ground than myself. I am the one who is totally engulfed. Down the spiral and I can’t stop. So now that’s who I’ve become. I don’t even remember my old self anymore. It seems like it has become my life.

So here we are today. I am opening my heart to you. I am Stoyan and I am an addict. I am addicted to being an emigrant. A traveler. An explorer. ‘Ubi bene, ibi patria’. That’s who I am and I need your help. People tell me I’m not normal. That I should have stopped a long time ago. Settled, Secured a job, grown up…but I can’t seem to do it. Maybe they are right. May be I’ll stop. Maybe I won’t move anymore. Maybe I’ll stop travelling and settle. Or maybe I’ll do it all over again. Just one more time…

Having this addiction: most consider it a sin. A blasphemy for not having chosen the established path. But I consider it a virtue. We only live for a very limited time on this planet. And our fear overrules the inner urge for experiences. Our fear is what keeps us stuck, petrified. So, if you are in a place in your life where you wonder is this all? Is this as much as I can do, as far as I can reach? Am I going to be stuck here forever? I believe that you have the power to taste a little of the addicting juices of exploration. Even if you only did it safely. Allow yourself the mindset that you can at least try. And if it doesn't work, then just go back, knowing that you've tried. So, I will allow myself to quote an amazing truth that alkA. discovered: "If you are not happy about the place where you live, MOVE! You are not a tree!"


I am Stoyan, I am an addict and I like it!

From the series: 'Guess where we were?'

Taking suggestions for the location of this egg ;)

Where we are in life?

Disregarding the distances, I guess this pretty much sums it up. Again.

A fighter's heart

As we stand here, in the middle of a new crossroad, I can’t help but admire with my fullest passion the person, closest to my heart. alkA. A relentless fighter, she followed her own advice, much better than I did mine. She says: ‘Keep calm and carry on’…and does it. Don’t ask me how, don’t ask her what it costs her. She is doing it. Every day, every hour and every minute she is a mother, a wife, a student and even a teacher, as so it seems, those who teach her also learn from her. I’ve started calling her ‘Levski’ in the past few years of our beautiful and bumpy family life. As she is indeed a fighter. And, like the Bulgarian legendary hero – Levski – she too has the unbelievable energy to conquer hardship after hardship without a rest. In a year she managed to cope with a tragic loss, with several moments of difficult separation from her most valuable, with a change of climate, home, with constant pressure from school, with a master’s dissertation…and as soon as this was over, she jumped right in the flames to prepare publications, to design PhD applications, to volunteer and to balance all this with providing the optimum for Sami.

What about me? Well, my advice has always been: ‘Don’t worry, things get settled by themselves.’ But what I do instead – worry, worry, worry. I’ve become so irritable and impatient that my anger devours me. Hatred is baggage, it has been said. We carry it everywhere. It hinders our movement and weighs on our shoulders. And yet, the more overloaded I feel, the more of it I take on. Another vicious cycle. As for the ‘settle for themselves’ part, I am starting to believe that it may have been our efforts (mainly hers), that have carried us above and beyond the depths of depression and the swamps of stagnation. I get inspiration from the fighter next to me and as difficult as life can be, I am thankful for being blessed with her passion!

I wish this passion for life unto anyone! Be inspired, keep calm and carry on!

The rather difficult task of letting my kid be a kid

Oh, the sheer struggle of confining myself! Of stopping my feelings and battling my gut desire to just keep shouting and saying NO! For to please me and to let me relax, my son should probably just sit quiet and still. Then of course, I would be rather worried, so there is simply no way I could be pleased.



My perspective: Stand still in the morning. Don’t call me while it’s still dark. I need some more sleep and you certainly don’t have to poop (I figured it out by falling for this trap a few times)! At breakfast – stop dipping your hands in the food, stop playing with the fruit from the fruit bowl, stop spilling your milk all over everywhere and would you just for god’s sake eat the damn breakfast and let me have my coffee! Outside – don’t run, don’t jump in the puddles, don’t let go of my hand, don’t eat cigarette butts, don’t scream, just WALK (even though it’s just a walk, I need to feel like I’m getting somewhere)! In his room – it’s fine if you empty your entire toy basket on the floor, but would you finally learn to put them away without having me go through tirades, threats, punishments and anger management? Don’t touch my phone, don’t touch the knives, don’t play with cars on the walls, don’t ask me 50 questions per minute, just let me breathe!



His perspective: I am exploring, creating, learning, playing, just let me be a kid! I am bored in bed in the morning, I am full of energy and want to run, jump and scream. Not my fault that it always rains or/is wet outside, so we can’t go out with the skateboard. I playing with my food makes funny images, you make funny faces, and I am bored at the table. Jumping in puddles is the most fun ever! If I splash the people around, well let them be more careful next time they walk around me. I don’t agree with limits, so why should I stay off the street? I want to see what cigarettes taste like. I mean, everyone has them in their mouth, they should be awesome. What do you mean if it’s on the ground it can’t be eaten? A piece of gum is still a piece of gum.



I know where this battle will end. Probably just like me, my son will grow up to be an anal freak, that expects his kid to play in a confined territory, not to ever spill, and to be amused by the info booklets that he can tear apart, as we don’t do this with our picture books.

Бисери

Мамо, искам да пйавим сапунен мехуйу :)

...още не сме научили 'Р'-то и се получават такива недоразумения.

One month

A month of silence has passed. A month was just about what it took me to rest after a year of hardcore studying! During this month a whole lot has happened and I will slowly try to sift through the mud and tell you about the hidden treasures. As I now am jobless I will follow the great advice of the thinkers. When the job you want doesn't exist - create it. So now that I don't have a job I will write as if that's my job. And we'll see who pays the rent ;)

още малкоооо...

На ръба на силите си съм....не съм и предполагал, че толкова ще се смачкам от учене тази година! 365 дни непрестанно кълване! Мисля, че ще ми трябва ново помещение за вторият мозък, който ми порастна и...очила.

Ще ви пиша по-нататък...след като приключа - днес - утре - вдругиден...ще си взема дъъъълга почивка от компютъра, че пръстите ми се изкривиха вече...

но все пак не бъдете чак толкова сигурни :)...знаете, че съм приказлив и ПИСлив... нищо не се знае.

sami and the umbrella

Stealing time

I don't get us.

Why do we feel the necessity to spend countless hours on Facebook? Oh, don't get me wrong! I am guilty of this too. I take a break from writing my dissertation every hour or so, to check what you may be doing, what you may have liked and what you may have copied on your wall as a sign of love, compassion or just falling in the trap of a stupid scam.

But why?

I recently met numerous people who told me they'd never get on facebook, cause it's eating away their quality family time. And is that all it's eating? I for example like having curtains on my windows. I hate it when outsiders can peek into my private life whenever they wish. I don't want them to see what I'm doing, what I'm dressed with and what my style is in decoration preference. I do this all for me and the very few ones, whom I let in my home. Yet, here I am, sharing pictures with everyone, stating my 'status',  my likes and my opinions on other people's 'like's. Even writing my blog is just like that. Why do I need to tell you this? This isn't my diary! I blog, so you can see what I write in my 'diary'. There's nothing personal about this. Nothing private. And yet, it contains my most private thoughts, which I wouldn't share with you unless, say you've been in my home.

I find two explanations to this paradox and I urge you to share yours with me and become more active in this topic.
1. I WANNA KNOW THAT I'M BETTER THAN YOU. Social comparison. A sin, a slavery, a bitch. We are social animals. Unfortunately so much so, that social life often rules our personal, intimate decisions, even though our inner core may oppose them. I may be perfectly happy spending a day, laying on the couch, but I don't because society judges this as laziness. I could be happy living in a tent, but I need to work my entire life paying for a house, because otherwise I'd feel judged. So, I want to see where you are, what you eat, where you go on vacations, so that I can think of better things to do and create my own illusion that my choices are better than yours and I am better than you. Furthermore, I want to show you that I've been to all these places, learned all these things and eaten all those foods, so I can prove to you that I've done better.

2. I REPLACE MY FRIENDS WITH FACEBOOK. The choice of living as emigrants has led to an unstable social environment. Unfortunately, even if I had chosen to stay in my hometown, my friends' choice to become emigrants themselves would have led to the same thing. So now, knowing how picky and intolerant I have become I just can't be bothered to look for new friends. So, I dig and I dig and you too dig and you dig, till you find me in the farthest corner of your mind and say 'Hey, I once saw this guy on the street, I'll add him to my friends'. As a result I have at least 100 people, if not more in my 'friends' list, whom I have never spoken to. But now I know where they live and how many things they have and what they do in their spare time. I barely have time to write any of my FRIENDS an e-mail, but I share countless of megabytes of meaningless information with all those people.

And this is sad...this just makes me sad. Is this just another way of numbing myself into oblivion? Is this really who I am? You should really ask yourself why you're reading this. I find it possible that I'm taking your valuable time away from some creative, cathartic experience...or am I just stealing your Facebook time?

Лафове

Сами на мама:
- Мамо, не говори с пълна уста!

***
На тати:
- Къде да хвърля това листенце?
- На земята.
- Не може да се хвърля на земята! Нали трябва да пазим планетата земя!?
(Същото се повтори когато хвърлих напишаните гащи на земята в банята. "Тате, не хвърляй на земята, трябва да пазим планетата земя!)

***
"Цар отишъл на глава и се върнал без война!"

Стар виц, ама актуален :)

Този стар виц ми е любим и реших да ви го разкажа/припомня.

Краставата жаба много я било страх от крокодила и много го мразела, 'щото винаги я игнорирал.
Решила един ден да го 'накофти' и си казала. "Ще го питам дали плува в горанта част на реката. Ако каже - да - ще му кажа, че там плуват само идиотите. Ако каже - не - ще му кажа, че е идиот, щото всички готини плуват там, а той не."
Видяла го и го попитала: "Ей, крокодиле, ти плуваш ли в горната част на реката?"
Той я погледнал и ѝ отговорил: "Плувай, плувай лайно зелено." и си заминал.

Посветено на малките жалките кученца, които много лаят.