I am an addict!

Hi.

I am Stoyan and I am an addict.

I didn’t see it as a problem at first. I honestly thought I was just doing it to relax and to get my mind off things. I wanted to experience new sensations and to explore new realms of consciousness. Growing up, I always thought that exploring life to the fullest is the perfect way to have the greatest fulfillment. That’s why I devoted myself to it without any doubt. With the greatest passion, with the highest hopes! I always thought I needed it. I thought it would help me bring a meaning to this meaningless, petty life. I hoped to find myself in it. And what’s most confusing…I did. I found myself in every minute of every hour of every day while doing it. I was blinded…

It all started with a whim. Innocently. Just pondering if I could actually be brave enough to do it. And even though I had always wanted to do it, I never planned it. That day the wind must have been slightly different. The sun must have been shining in a different way. Life’s disappointments must have become just one too many. The devil penetrated my mind and started twisting and turning anything he could grab a hold of. So on that day I took the decision. I made the first step…

It’s been eleven years since then. I still remember it like it was just yesterday. I was so innocent, so was Alex. I didn’t tell her anything. I just did it. And it felt so good. So thrilling, so new and so right. Little did I know it would become an addiction from which I would later on come to suffer. Through the years it all seemed still innocuous. We were both hooked up. And we kept doing it over and over again until we got almost completely lost.

And here we are today. Many years older. And we are supposed to have grown up but it just seems to be slipping away. She has her feet more sturdily on the ground than myself. I am the one who is totally engulfed. Down the spiral and I can’t stop. So now that’s who I’ve become. I don’t even remember my old self anymore. It seems like it has become my life.

So here we are today. I am opening my heart to you. I am Stoyan and I am an addict. I am addicted to being an emigrant. A traveler. An explorer. ‘Ubi bene, ibi patria’. That’s who I am and I need your help. People tell me I’m not normal. That I should have stopped a long time ago. Settled, Secured a job, grown up…but I can’t seem to do it. Maybe they are right. May be I’ll stop. Maybe I won’t move anymore. Maybe I’ll stop travelling and settle. Or maybe I’ll do it all over again. Just one more time…

Having this addiction: most consider it a sin. A blasphemy for not having chosen the established path. But I consider it a virtue. We only live for a very limited time on this planet. And our fear overrules the inner urge for experiences. Our fear is what keeps us stuck, petrified. So, if you are in a place in your life where you wonder is this all? Is this as much as I can do, as far as I can reach? Am I going to be stuck here forever? I believe that you have the power to taste a little of the addicting juices of exploration. Even if you only did it safely. Allow yourself the mindset that you can at least try. And if it doesn't work, then just go back, knowing that you've tried. So, I will allow myself to quote an amazing truth that alkA. discovered: "If you are not happy about the place where you live, MOVE! You are not a tree!"


I am Stoyan, I am an addict and I like it!